Maybe you’ve been in a relationship for some time and out of the blue you get ditched, or you decide that it’s going nowhere and it’s better if you parted. The main point here is it’s happened yet again, as another relationship breaks up.
For most people this is a very traumatic event. The break up not only leaves them emotionally shattered, but if they are the one who have been dumped their confidence and self esteem has also suffered a huge blow.
Many people will put it down to experience and after a few weeks or months of grieving over their loss decide to get back to dating again. Unaware, or ignoring the fact that there is a pattern here, and so will once more form a relationship that will have an inevitably familiar conclusion.
If you are despondent when yet another relationship hits the rocks, then it’s time to do something to change that destructive cycle by considering undergoing a change yourself. If you constantly blame the other person, then you could be in denial. By looking into yourself and identifying the root causes of your relationship failures and correcting them, you stand a good chance of changing the negative pattern for you and your partner’s benefit.
Self Awareness – In undergoing a self analysis (self awareness) exercise you are allowing yourself the possibility that you could be responsible for your relationship failures. And if you are willing to look into yourself, then you are opening up an opportunity to realistically alter those negative relationship patterns into something more satisfying and lasting for you and your partner. All this comes with the added benefit of enhancing your confidence and self esteem.
This is a journey which may be personally upsetting and bring up previously suppressed emotional low points in your life. If you’re ready to accept that, then let’s get you thinking about your relationships history. Not all relationships are meant to last. You may have relationships with a good few people before you find the one you want to spend your life with. Those other ‘temporary’ relationships may just fizzle out naturally. You need to be concerned if there is a familiar pattern leading up to the relationship break up. These could be because of unresolved childhood experiences that impact your present relationships. If you find that the memory of parts of your childhood is extremely upsetting then you may benefit from seeing a professional, like a therapist/counselor to help you through your childhood trauma.
If you are willing to think about your childhood, then how was your relationship with your parents or one particular parent? Was there continual conflict or some form of abuse that you may think contributes to your attitude and behavior to close relationships?
- has your school/college experiences had a negative effect on you in later years?
- has a past relationship left such a bad effect on your emotions that your subsequent relationships suffer because of it?
- what did you and your partner want out of the relationship when it began?
- do you expect disappointment that any new relationship is bound to fail, which turns out to be a self-fulfilling prophesy?
- what problems, disappointments and frustrations in each relationships are identical?
- what was the tipping point that finally ended the relationship?
- how did you feel after each relationship ended – relief or heartache?
- how does having a caring relationship figure in your life? Is it important – a necessity, along with your job/career and life goals?
- have you asked yourself why you stay in a relationship until it disintegrates? Do any relationships end amicably?
Hopefully, some of these questions have got you thinking about any emotional/physical reasons or triggers that cause your relationships to fail.
Several years ago I tried a self awareness exercise because I was constantly beating myself up by thinking that I was just no good in close, caring relationships. I would spend hours before going to sleep running through my relationship failures. It was only when I started thinking about my early childhood when I would literally feel my blood pressure rise that I realized I was getting close to what really was still affecting my life and my emotions.
In coming to terms with my early childhood issues, I was able to place distance with those emotions and make them small in my mind. In visualizing them as insignificant to my present life, I slowly began to feel better about myself. That there were reasons to why I reacted to some relationships in a destructive way. In understanding the cause I felt liberated and this feeling greatly improved my self esteem.
If you have a close friend or family member who you trust, then you could try talking through your relationship break ups and they might be able to offer helpful advice from a different perspective. Many people who experience relationship break ups are quick to blame their ex for the relationship failing. If you summon up the courage to truly look into yourself, your actions and experiences, even going back to your childhood if you think it will help. If your previous relationship lasted a number of years, then consider not rushing back to dating. Wait a while, maybe 6 months or even longer, to give you time to grief and get that relationship out of your system. By going into a new relationship minus much of your emotional baggage from previous relationships you are making a positive move for a fresh start.
When you are able to recognize exactly how and why you play a part in all your relationship failures, you can take steps to change and so stop your pattern of relationship break ups. You have then altered your destructive relationship patterns for good and the chances for different outcomes to your future relationships are now a definite possibility.