Is The Way We handle Relationships Influenced By Our Parents?

mom with teen 150x150 Is The Way We handle Relationships Influenced By Our Parents?As a parent of two late teens, I would hope my children absorb the good things about growing up in our family.  I can’t recall having really bad fights with my wife in front of our children.  Sure, we would argue at times.  I would be mortified if those arguments or the way we may have negatively reacted to each other had any lasting effect on our children.

Occasional upsets between parents in front of their children have a much less of an impact on child relationship development than constantly living in a tense, intimidating environment, where the child accepts this situation as normal.  I know of one ten year old child who, when being invited round to our home by our kids was totally surprised that we treated her with kindness and respect.  She assumed that her fraught upbringing was normal for all children.

So many parents today lack basic parenting skills or place little value and effort in raising their children.  It’s little wonder that these children grow up emotionally damaged.

What I am certain of is that as proud parents to our two children we tried to bring them up to be respectful to others, to be aware of what is or isn’t acceptable behavior and to constantly let them know we love and care for them.

what we had no influence over was their school life, the effect other children had on their development.

Our children grew up in a drug free, smoking free home, free of abuse.  Our children were, from the age of five, now in contact with children from a whole range of family situations good and bad.

The high school years for our children affected them in many ways, their viewpoints on relationships and life in general were changing and definitely not now wholly influenced by us.

They had then picked up some crude words that were not used in our home (and still not acceptable).  They were also making friends with some dubious characters as well as some kids we really liked.  Their attitude to relationships going into their mid teens influenced by their peers and by relationships formed with the opposite sex had a big impact on them which affected them more than all their years of our influence and patterns of behavior on them.

I can honestly say that a couple of weekends away at rock concerts influenced their thoughts, opinions and social skills than their teachers did in those years at high school.

Sustained emotional trauma experienced by children by their parents will, of course, have an adverse effect.  The degree by which it affects their own future relationships is down to the developing character of each child.

In our household, we tried to give our children a safe, tolerant environment in which to grow.  At times I question whether we were not strict enough with them or if we should always have tried to convey our relationship as a role model for them to take notice of and put into practice.  Something must have rubbed off on them as they both care about people and relationships.  Through some stressful, difficult times my wife and I are still happy to be together.  Our relationship still thrives and I believe that our children are happy in the knowledge that, as a happily married couple, we are still there for them whenever they need us.

 

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Would You Marry A Man You Didn’t Love?

sad couple 2 150x112 Would You Marry A Man You Didnt Love?It does happen because ‘love’ for some women is not the major reason for getting married.  Love to me means an intense emotional feeling of desire and affection.  To someone else it could mean something entirely different.  Some women will marry because of financial considerations, they are pregnant or have a child or marry because in their part of the world it is a cultural requirement.

In many of these marriages the husband is dominant in the relationship.  He will have a lot of freedom to do as he pleases, as he will be the sole provider.  His wife will look after the house, fed him, and raise their children.  In some of these relationships she will not be allowed to go out to work.  She will also have to ask permission if she needs to go out or wishes to see her friends.  In this type of relationship the man may marry for other considerations than actually  being in love with their partner.

For most of us, we expect that the partner we are marrying also loves us, as we love them.  The whole courtship, dating scene gives the couple adequate opportunity to decide if the relationship is building into something more permanent.  There may then be an engagement or maybe living together first before deciding to marry.

I’ve checked out a relationship forum talking about this topic.  Many women wrote in saying they married for a variety of reasons, but not for love.  Some had commented that they felt pressured by their boyfriend and family to marry, only to deeply regret that decision and now felt trapped in a loveless married, too afraid to walk out.  Worried what the future would hold.  Several had hoped that they would grow to love their partner over time.

There are many couples who work together well within a loveless, sexless marriage.  They have grown into that type of relationship which does make them still feel valued and both support each other.  This type of relationship can, indeed, stand the test of time.  There seems to be less arguing and controlling factors involved where neither partner possesses an ego that constantly needs inflating.

In North America and the UK, well over half of marriages are destined to fail, something seems to be wrong with what people expect in a marriage.  A willingness to listen to and give time to your partner and compromise when needed, to avoid conflict and misunderstanding is what successfully married couples do.

A twist on this topic comes from a man who battled with his family and close friends over his choice of partner.  He had to listen to many negative comments about her commitment to him and hurtful comments about her character from his brother. He decided to marry her anyway.  Today, 8 years later, in spite of those close to him who were convinced that she did not love him, but wanted his money, they have two wonderful children and a happy and content marriage!

I think it is so incredibly selfish of anyone who will willingly marry for reasons other than love, or hold genuine feelings for their partner. It’s simply unacceptable if that partner is lied to, and begins married life believing their partner loves them.

What do you think?

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Regrets, I Have A Few

regrets 150x150 Regrets, I Have A FewThis week a short article almost hidden from view in the Daily Mail got my attention.  A study carried out by researchers lead by Professor Neal Roese of Northwestern University Chicago looked at how men and women differ when coping with the demise of a relationship.

It’s stated that 44% of women admitted that they made mistakes in their relationships compared to only 20% of men.  Apparently men can easily walk away from a relationship without hardly a second thought.  It they did look to the reasons for the break up they would usually blame it on the woman that it was her fault.

Few men are willing to own up and say that they ‘regret’ the breakup of their relationship as they view the admission as not masculine.  I would admit that men can be dismissive of a relationship going wrong, if that relationship had only been established for a few weeks or months.  This unsympathetic stance being evident when in conversation with friends or colleagues.  It is indeed a form of masculine bravado which is common among men.  Think of the character Danny Zuko played by John Travolta in the film Grease.  He shows him self up to be a total uncaring ‘jerk’ towards Sandy when he is around his friends in the T Birds gang. Only showing his real softer nature when alone with her.

I have also heard men do a virtual character assassination of women when talking to other males or even sharing their ‘story’ on Facebook.  When hurt, these men bite back cruelly but deep down I’m sure the break up has affected them emotionally.

If the relationship had been long term over many years the break up would affect some of them so badly they became depressed.  Whereas, on the other hand, the woman in that relationship recovered quicker and was able to build a new life with renewed enthusiasm.

I have regrets, a whole stack of them.  But I don’t share them with Facebook, this blog or my friends.  Maybe sub-consciously, I think it’s unmanly to reveal my failures.  There are though ex women colleagues who have shared their innermost relationship problems with me because I have a sympathetic ear.  Many time I would say “Tell your partner what you’ve just told me, I’m sure you would then work out your problems.”

Something seems to happen when a man in a relationship becomes a father.  When they have a son or daughter, they find it easier to show their emotional side.  It’s similar to when a new relationship blossoms.  Men do goofy things, some stop seeing their male friends altogether.  Their emotional side kicks in, more so when the relationship goes intimate.  Men can be just as ‘love struck’ as women.  Just listen to them talking to their new partner ont he phone.  It’s enough to make ‘real men’ weep!

The researchers at Northwestern University also concluded that more that 20% of married women said that if they could they would willingly change their husbands, whereas only 12% of married males said they would change their wives.

Fewer men, it seems, are willing to give up on their partner.  I think the reason is obvious, they realize that they would regret it!

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Scams From Women On Dating Sites

sexy w computer 150x150 Scams From Women On Dating SitesAlmost daily I get emails from supposedly ‘bank officials’ informing me that I am in line to receive a share of millions of dollars if I act as a intermediary in a very lucrative money transaction.  I must be an idiot as I have not taken up any of these offers!  I reckon that over the last two years I have lost out on over two hundred million dollars!

Of course it’s a scam usually originating from North America, Nigeria, or the UK.  Another just as  lucrative scam which plays on the emotional state of the victim is scams from women on dating sites.  I have read many forum posts from men complaining that they had been ‘scammed’( the definition being, a fraudulent business scheme) by women using photos and personal profiles designed to fool someone into thinking they are in contact with a interesting, attractive woman.

Apparently there is a website that scammers use to get pictures of attractive people,which they then use as their own.  The person interested in you (the scam artist) might not even be the sex you are looking to form a relationship with.  They are happy to hide behind the picture and profile they submitted to the dating site.  All this designed to draw you in.

After three or four emails have been exchanged the scheming ‘woman’ might request some money for some desperate reason.  Their sister needs some funds for a minor operation, or they need to fly over and visit you but they have cash flow problems, so could you be a sweetie and forward a few hundred dollars which, of course, they will gladly repay.  Oh and by the way they think they are falling in love with you.

You may be tempted to wire over some money for her sister’s operation, or that you are on cloud nine because this stunning, amazing woman wants to come over and meet you.  Don’t do it, resist the temptation you are the innocent victim of another clever scam!

It’s a scam when ‘she’ suggests you wire over money via Western Union.  That company will not help you when you run into problems, it’s very likely you will never see your money again.

There is a website www.romancescam.com which is very helpful in identifying predominantly Russian and Nigerian scammers by showing the actual pictures they use.  There is also a forum and hundreds of articles where you can interact and pick up valuable information about the shady world of international scammers.

You can also download ‘The scam survivors handbook, ninety-three pages in pdf format.  It’s informative and it’s free.

If you suspect you’re ‘new love’ is not all she seems then you could probably do with all the help you can get!

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Why Can’t Men Stand Up To A Controlling Woman?

shouting woman 150x136 Why Cant Men Stand Up To A Controlling Woman?A good neighbor of mine has just had his marriage break up.  Over a few beers he told me that for several years he had put up with a partner who had been manipulating, intimidating and often had shown a total disregard of his opinions and feelings.  He tried hard to make light of the situation, but I couldn’t help but think why can’t men stand up to a controlling woman?  My neighbor asked me not to discuss the reasons for his break up with others as he thought people would consider him something of a wimp for putting up with his wife using him as a ‘doormat’ for much of his marriage.

He admitted to me that he accepted her behavior towards him.  Being a manager in charge of  a big department, his job was very demanding.  Coming home to his overbearing wife at the end of the day, all he longed for was to keep the peace for a quiet life.

When he did disagree, or stand his ground she would subject him to days of  the ‘silent treatment’.  When this situation became intolerable he would apologize, even though he had done nothing wrong.

Is it just me or have women become more strident and aggressive over the years?  While we men have been getting in touch with our emotions and feelings, women have been asserting themselves.

Is it possible that there are so many marriage and relationship break downs because women will no longer put up with unsatisfactory relationships and many are opting to live independent lives without a live in partner?  Many more women would also jump at the chance of a new life, but are unwilling because of child and financial constraints.  Over the years, in western cultures, women are no longer willing to take a subservient role when it comes to marriage.

My neighbor, now feeling better after a few more beers, said that his wife seemed to enjoy the tension and drama that she instigated throughout most of their marriage.  She finally left him to move in with her sister.  He said that far from feeling happy at her departure, he genuinely missed her.  He was unsure how he would cope with living in their home on his own.

Why can’t men stand up to controlling women?  It could be because some of them accept their predicament as they really do want a quiet life and keeping the peace, not matter what it takes, is a price worth paying as deep down they do love their partner.

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Is A Platonic Relationship Possible With The Opposite Sex?

Friends 150x150 Is A Platonic Relationship Possible With The Opposite Sex?As many people think that is is possible to have a platonic relationship with the opposite sex, as those that say it’s just can’t happen.  Some think that eventually, one or both ‘friends’ want to take the relationship to another level.

A general definition of the word ‘platonic’ would be a relationship between a man and woman that is wholly based on a spiritual or intellectual level without romantic or sexual interest or activity.

An ex female co-worker once told me she had several male ‘friends’ who always looked out for her.  She would spend a lot of time hanging out with her pals.  But one of them thought that as they were such good friends he would kiss her on the mouth and suggest going to bed.  She was horrified that he would consider violating their ‘friendship’.  She broke off the friendship immediately and is no longer in contact with him.

From my own experience, platonic relationships can be a minefield.  Don’t most of us, when getting to know the opposite sex, possibly start out as friends and if there is no immediate attraction then that particular status quo is maintained.

Emotional and physical attraction can slowly build over time.  Your ‘friend’ of six months may one day look a whole lot different to you.  You may now desire them and now want to take the relationship on a new level.  What do you do?  Suppress your feelings or ask them if they would like to go out on a date, a ‘get to know you better’ date.

There are also instances of people in a relationship who are jealous of their partner’s ‘friends’.  Who they see as a threat.  Maybe these friends are just too friendly that they feel uncomfortable.  Some just can’t believe there is nothing sexual going on “We’re just good friends, believe me.”  Being friends with the opposite sex can mean lost of kissing on the cheek, holding each other tight and overt emotional closeness.

I do know of a newly single woman, emotionally distraught, seeking a more intimate relationship with a male friend of whom she had enjoyed as platonic relationship for many years.  The new close relationship went badly wrong and they are no longer friends and no longer speak to each other.

There is no doubt if you have a good friend you value that relationship as high, if not higher than the love of your partner.  But if that relationship becomes intimate, then arguments, fall outs and ‘control’ issues break out where they would not have materialized in a friendship.  Is a platonic relationship possible with the opposite sex?  Absolutely, it can be the source of joy and satisfaction between both parties.  Bur careful, cross that line between friend and lover with a great deal of caution.

If you have an opinion on this topic, why not share your point of view.

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If You’re Dating The Right Person, Would You Wait For Marriage Until Sex?

0002663338CC 1024x1280 150x150 If Youre Dating The Right Person, Would You Wait For Marriage Until Sex? I would never have thought that a well known dating forum would spark so much lively discussion, namely If you’re dating the right person would you wait until marriage for sex?  Years ago, when I was in my late teens, the thought of having sex only in a loving relationship like marriage was alien to me.  There was then, as has always been, much peer pressure in losing your virginity.  It was considered a natural progression from getting a girlfriend.  Maybe dating her for several weeks and end up having sex.  At the time I dated girls who may not have wanted sex for whatever reason but not one ever said they preferred to wait until marriage for sex.

The majority of the male posters on the dating forum said they would never wait.  Some said that how would you know the girl would be a perfect partner if you didn’t also have sex?  Total compatibility would need to be proven.

Another section of men, on the other hand, said that although it would be difficult to abstain from sex, they would wait until marriage if it was the girlfriend’s wish for either personal or religious reasons.

I wonder if the guys wanting sex when dating would think the same way if it was their daughter or  sister just starting out dating?

Many female posters on the forum said that they wanted to experience sex before marriage, citing sexual compatibility as an important requirement as emotional compatibility.

Love plays a deciding factor in many relationships before marriage.  Some girls on the forum stated that if they were ‘in love’ with their boyfriends then they could see no reason to wait for marriage before having sex.  A lot of guys use ‘love’ as an acceptable tactic when wanting sex.  “If you really love me, prove it, lets have sex.”  The girl could also counter that with “If you truly love me, we can wait until we’re married to make love.”

It would also take a lot of understanding and respect to fight off those hormonal urges from both sexes to be part of a loving relationship and to live by your or your partner’s ideals.  I don’t know about the UK, where I live, but I have seen numerous news items coming from North America where a growing number of young men and women pledge to wait until marriage for sex.

With an increasing number of young people being treated for sexually transmitted diseases here in England, will that idea catch on here?  I don’t hold my breath!

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What Is Instant Chemistry?

couple 150x150 What Is Instant Chemistry?Going onto various dating and relationship forums I’ve noticed that there are many different interpretations of what is ‘instant chemistry’.

Some people think it only exists in Hollywood films and romantic novels.  Many men feel it’s all that women seek when dating.  The general consensus is that if there is instant chemistry between two people then that is a good basis to take it to the next level and date each other, possibly leading to a relationship.

Instant chemistry or ‘fireworks’ isn’t magic.  It starts with instant physical attraction.  If it’s mutual instant chemistry then there needs to be eye contact.  The man and woman may have noticed each other across a crowed room.  The physical attraction part is how good looking you are, is your body attractive,how well dressed and groomed you are, all this can also arouse sexual attraction.

If  those two people do meet up and they get on great, wow it’s instant chemistry.  That example has never happened to me.  It has usually been physical attraction that motivated me to make a move, to ask a girl out for a date.  Rarely did I ask someone out because her conversational topics interested me so much that I just had to ask her out.

Sexual attraction, leading to sexual-based relationships never lasted at least for myself and my friends at the time.  True chemistry between two people happens when they discover they are compatible.  That doesn’t mean they must have similar interests.  It could be like opposites attract.  My wife’s music tastes were once at the opposite ends of the spectrum.  It’s only in the last few years that our tastes in music have overlapped.  Compatibility is only discovered after getting to know each other over a period of time.  If you are still with someone after six months or so, (the ‘hot period’ when you can’t live without your new lover), then there is a good chance that the relationship will last.

When it comes to online dating ‘instant chemistry’ seems to be the deciding factor.  If you are chosen from your profile for a date you just might only last a few seconds before you are rejected and never see that person again.

I can understand this phenomenon, when you join a dating site there are so many profiles you can check out, your selection process will be ruthless.  It’s human nature, with so many ‘fish in the sea’ you can afford to be selective.  Out in the real world you also have speed dating (see previous post)with the three minutes or so selection process.

Today instant chemistry is a requirement along with instant music downloads, instant text messaging and emails, in our instantly disposable society.

I would really like to hear from someone who has recently dated, where both of you are actually taking the  time to get to know each other better!

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Online Dating, Are You Interested?

0001868265HH 1920x1440 150x150 Online Dating, Are You Interested?If you are getting your life together after a relationship break up or are just curious, maybe you might be thinking of online dating?  Are you interested?

Online dating sites are definitely worth checking out and you don’t have to date anyone if you don’t want to.  So if you are nervous of actually communicating with a stranger, or even having to reveal a lot about yourself, I have an idea for you, where you can take things ever so slow.  Learn a lot about online dating from experts and not even give your name.

The experts I am talking about are just ordinary people like you and me.  They are the thousands of active forum members of online dating sites.

In this case I will be using the very successful Plenty of Fish.com as my ‘go to’ site.  Plenty of Fish state that they are the world’s largest dating site with 3 million visitors per day.  It costs you nothing to go onto their forums and you can just soak up all the tips and advice that could help you with your online dating experience.

There are plenty of forums for you to choose, from relationship issues to health and fitness.

Let’s say you have concerns about posting a profile about yourself.  You are worried about what you are expected to reveal.  Go into Plenty of Fish , then ‘show all forums’ and click ‘Profile Review’ forum.  There are many threads, one which catches my eye ‘Some Help with My Profile’, click on that and you will find several people giving helpful advice.  Another member I note is also looking for constructive criticism about their profile.

One thing I learn is that some people do not post a picture of themselves.  Not because they think they are not attractive enough, but because they do not want attention from their co-workers.  That view might be ok for that particular person, but it’s pretty much essential to have one or several photos of yourself in your profile or people will ignore you and look elsewhere.

The experts I mentioned earlier are those who have been members for some time, post regularly and come across as knowledgeable.  These people, across all the relevant forums, will give you a good idea of what to do and what to avoid.

You can also head over to Match.com, scroll down the page and in the section ‘About Match.com’ you will see several sub-sections.  Click on ‘Dating Advice’ or ‘Online Dating Tips’ for plenty of very useful information so you can build a clear picture of what you can do to further your online dating expectations.

By spending some time researching, you will feel more comfortable when some of the fear factor has evaporated and you decide to try online dating.

Quick Tip:  If you approach online dating sites as places to learn, exchange emails, and make new friends, you will be enriched by the experience.  You might then find someone you are interested in and wish to date.  Doing it this way will reduce stress and do wonders for your heart in more ways than one!

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Nice Guys Can Get The Girl

photo 20119 20100903 150x150 Nice Guys Can Get The GirlIt’s an age old problem that has baffled nice guys, why do bad guys (jerks) always succeed with women?  It seems totally illogical.  I could never understand it when I was a teen.  Most of the attractive, fun girls that I met preferred loud-mouthed, couldn’t care less, bad guys.  I’ll tell you something, nice guys can get the girl, but first you should understand a few things first.

Girls think nice guys are boring, insecure and full of self-doubt.  Nice guys are also so eager to please girls find it suffocating.  If you nice guys think girls are flattered that you are willing to sacrifice your self-esteem by neglecting you’re own needs and desires for the sake of the girl, think again.  They can’t stand it, they lose their respect for you.

Bad guys come across as exciting and confident, which you feel is really their arrogance, as they always seem to get the girl.  Importantly, these ‘jerks’ stir a range of emotions that girls find irresistible.  Jerks care only about themselves and what they crave from a woman (which obviously is usually sex).  They have no desire to get to know the girl on an emotional level, her wants and needs.

The thing is, some girls actively go for jerks because they feel, in time, they can turn them into nice guys!  There is no justice is there?

Nice guys can get the girl by making some subtle changes that don’t involve turning into the enemy, the bad guys.  If you don’t respect yourself neither will the girl.  Be true to yourself, stop trying so hard to please and try and bring some humor into your life and relax.  You don’t have to tell jokes, but you can be fun to be around.  Girls love to be with someone who can make them laugh and smile.

Stop being predictable all the time.  For your personality to shine through, be honest and say what you really think and feel (never be disrespectful).  Your confidence will grow the more girls you meet.  Not every girl is the last one on the planet that you feel you must fall in love with.

I used to consider myself a ‘nice guy’ but in reality I bordered on being a bad guy or ‘jerk’ as they are usually referred as.  I played the part of someone who tried hard at being nice to girls because I thought it’s how they wanted to be treated.  I would say what I thought girls wanted to hear even if I was lying through my teeth!  So I guess I was totally selfish.  I was riddled with self-doubt, which some girls misinterpreted as shyness.  The more I socialized, the more my confidence grew with the opposite sex.

The fear of rejection also held me back, it had a lot to do with me over-compensating in trying to be nice.  Whereas, if I’d just gone out and been myself , as if I was with my good friends, I would have experienced more success with girls a lot sooner.

Nice guys can and do get the girl…. eventually.

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