As many people think that is is possible to have a platonic relationship with the opposite sex, as those that say it’s just can’t happen.  Some think that eventually, one or both ‘friends’ want to take the relationship to another level.

A general definition of the word ‘platonic’ would be a relationship between a man and woman that is wholly based on a spiritual or intellectual level without romantic or sexual interest or activity.

An ex female co-worker once told me she had several male ‘friends’ who always looked out for her.  She would spend a lot of time hanging out with her pals.  But one of them thought that as they were such good friends he would kiss her on the mouth and suggest going to bed.  She was horrified that he would consider violating their ‘friendship’.  She broke off the friendship immediately and is no longer in contact with him.

From my own experience, platonic relationships can be a minefield.  Don’t most of us, when getting to know the opposite sex, possibly start out as friends and if there is no immediate attraction then that particular status quo is maintained.

Emotional and physical attraction can slowly build over time.  Your ‘friend’ of six months may one day look a whole lot different to you.  You may now desire them and now want to take the relationship on a new level.  What do you do?  Suppress your feelings or ask them if they would like to go out on a date, a ‘get to know you better’ date.

There are also instances of people in a relationship who are jealous of their partner’s ‘friends’.  Who they see as a threat.  Maybe these friends are just too friendly that they feel uncomfortable.  Some just can’t believe there is nothing sexual going on “We’re just good friends, believe me.”  Being friends with the opposite sex can mean lost of kissing on the cheek, holding each other tight and overt emotional closeness.

I do know of a newly single woman, emotionally distraught, seeking a more intimate relationship with a male friend of whom she had enjoyed as platonic relationship for many years.  The new close relationship went badly wrong and they are no longer friends and no longer speak to each other.

There is no doubt if you have a good friend you value that relationship as high, if not higher than the love of your partner.  But if that relationship becomes intimate, then arguments, fall outs and ‘control’ issues break out where they would not have materialized in a friendship.  Is a platonic relationship possible with the opposite sex?  Absolutely, it can be the source of joy and satisfaction between both parties.  Bur careful, cross that line between friend and lover with a great deal of caution.

If you have an opinion on this topic, why not share your point of view.

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I would never have thought that a well known dating forum would spark so much lively discussion, namely If you’re dating the right person would you wait until marriage for sex?  Years ago, when I was in my late teens, the thought of having sex only in a loving relationship like marriage was alien to me.  There was then, as has always been, much peer pressure in losing your virginity.  It was considered a natural progression from getting a girlfriend.  Maybe dating her for several weeks and end up having sex.  At the time I dated girls who may not have wanted sex for whatever reason but not one ever said they preferred to wait until marriage for sex.

The majority of the male posters on the dating forum said they would never wait.  Some said that how would you know the girl would be a perfect partner if you didn’t also have sex?  Total compatibility would need to be proven.

Another section of men, on the other hand, said that although it would be difficult to abstain from sex, they would wait until marriage if it was the girlfriend’s wish for either personal or religious reasons.

I wonder if the guys wanting sex when dating would think the same way if it was their daughter or  sister just starting out dating?

Many female posters on the forum said that they wanted to experience sex before marriage, citing sexual compatibility as an important requirement as emotional compatibility.

Love plays a deciding factor in many relationships before marriage.  Some girls on the forum stated that if they were ‘in love’ with their boyfriends then they could see no reason to wait for marriage before having sex.  A lot of guys use ‘love’ as an acceptable tactic when wanting sex.  “If you really love me, prove it, lets have sex.”  The girl could also counter that with “If you truly love me, we can wait until we’re married to make love.”

It would also take a lot of understanding and respect to fight off those hormonal urges from both sexes to be part of a loving relationship and to live by your or your partner’s ideals.  I don’t know about the UK, where I live, but I have seen numerous news items coming from North America where a growing number of young men and women pledge to wait until marriage for sex.

With an increasing number of young people being treated for sexually transmitted diseases here in England, will that idea catch on here?  I don’t hold my breath!

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Going onto various dating and relationship forums I’ve noticed that there are many different interpretations of what is ‘instant chemistry’.

Some people think it only exists in Hollywood films and romantic novels.  Many men feel it’s all that women seek when dating.  The general consensus is that if there is instant chemistry between two people then that is a good basis to take it to the next level and date each other, possibly leading to a relationship.

Instant chemistry or ‘fireworks’ isn’t magic.  It starts with instant physical attraction.  If it’s mutual instant chemistry then there needs to be eye contact.  The man and woman may have noticed each other across a crowed room.  The physical attraction part is how good looking you are, is your body attractive,how well dressed and groomed you are, all this can also arouse sexual attraction.

If  those two people do meet up and they get on great, wow it’s instant chemistry.  That example has never happened to me.  It has usually been physical attraction that motivated me to make a move, to ask a girl out for a date.  Rarely did I ask someone out because her conversational topics interested me so much that I just had to ask her out.

Sexual attraction, leading to sexual-based relationships never lasted at least for myself and my friends at the time.  True chemistry between two people happens when they discover they are compatible.  That doesn’t mean they must have similar interests.  It could be like opposites attract.  My wife’s music tastes were once at the opposite ends of the spectrum.  It’s only in the last few years that our tastes in music have overlapped.  Compatibility is only discovered after getting to know each other over a period of time.  If you are still with someone after six months or so, (the ‘hot period’ when you can’t live without your new lover), then there is a good chance that the relationship will last.

When it comes to online dating ‘instant chemistry’ seems to be the deciding factor.  If you are chosen from your profile for a date you just might only last a few seconds before you are rejected and never see that person again.

I can understand this phenomenon, when you join a dating site there are so many profiles you can check out, your selection process will be ruthless.  It’s human nature, with so many ‘fish in the sea’ you can afford to be selective.  Out in the real world you also have speed dating (see previous post)with the three minutes or so selection process.

Today instant chemistry is a requirement along with instant music downloads, instant text messaging and emails, in our instantly disposable society.

I would really like to hear from someone who has recently dated, where both of you are actually taking the  time to get to know each other better!

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If you are getting your life together after a relationship break up or are just curious, maybe you might be thinking of online dating?  Are you interested?

Online dating sites are definitely worth checking out and you don’t have to date anyone if you don’t want to.  So if you are nervous of actually communicating with a stranger, or even having to reveal a lot about yourself, I have an idea for you, where you can take things ever so slow.  Learn a lot about online dating from experts and not even give your name.

The experts I am talking about are just ordinary people like you and me.  They are the thousands of active forum members of online dating sites.

In this case I will be using the very successful Plenty of Fish.com as my ‘go to’ site.  Plenty of Fish state that they are the world’s largest dating site with 3 million visitors per day.  It costs you nothing to go onto their forums and you can just soak up all the tips and advice that could help you with your online dating experience.

There are plenty of forums for you to choose, from relationship issues to health and fitness.

Let’s say you have concerns about posting a profile about yourself.  You are worried about what you are expected to reveal.  Go into Plenty of Fish , then ‘show all forums’ and click ‘Profile Review’ forum.  There are many threads, one which catches my eye ‘Some Help with My Profile’, click on that and you will find several people giving helpful advice.  Another member I note is also looking for constructive criticism about their profile.

One thing I learn is that some people do not post a picture of themselves.  Not because they think they are not attractive enough, but because they do not want attention from their co-workers.  That view might be ok for that particular person, but it’s pretty much essential to have one or several photos of yourself in your profile or people will ignore you and look elsewhere.

The experts I mentioned earlier are those who have been members for some time, post regularly and come across as knowledgeable.  These people, across all the relevant forums, will give you a good idea of what to do and what to avoid.

You can also head over to Match.com, scroll down the page and in the section ‘About Match.com’ you will see several sub-sections.  Click on ‘Dating Advice’ or ‘Online Dating Tips’ for plenty of very useful information so you can build a clear picture of what you can do to further your online dating expectations.

By spending some time researching, you will feel more comfortable when some of the fear factor has evaporated and you decide to try online dating.

Quick Tip:  If you approach online dating sites as places to learn, exchange emails, and make new friends, you will be enriched by the experience.  You might then find someone you are interested in and wish to date.  Doing it this way will reduce stress and do wonders for your heart in more ways than one!

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It’s an age old problem that has baffled nice guys, why do bad guys (jerks) always succeed with women?  It seems totally illogical.  I could never understand it when I was a teen.  Most of the attractive, fun girls that I met preferred loud-mouthed, couldn’t care less, bad guys.  I’ll tell you something, nice guys can get the girl, but first you should understand a few things first.

Girls think nice guys are boring, insecure and full of self-doubt.  Nice guys are also so eager to please girls find it suffocating.  If you nice guys think girls are flattered that you are willing to sacrifice your self-esteem by neglecting you’re own needs and desires for the sake of the girl, think again.  They can’t stand it, they lose their respect for you.

Bad guys come across as exciting and confident, which you feel is really their arrogance, as they always seem to get the girl.  Importantly, these ‘jerks’ stir a range of emotions that girls find irresistible.  Jerks care only about themselves and what they crave from a woman (which obviously is usually sex).  They have no desire to get to know the girl on an emotional level, her wants and needs.

The thing is, some girls actively go for jerks because they feel, in time, they can turn them into nice guys!  There is no justice is there?

Nice guys can get the girl by making some subtle changes that don’t involve turning into the enemy, the bad guys.  If you don’t respect yourself neither will the girl.  Be true to yourself, stop trying so hard to please and try and bring some humor into your life and relax.  You don’t have to tell jokes, but you can be fun to be around.  Girls love to be with someone who can make them laugh and smile.

Stop being predictable all the time.  For your personality to shine through, be honest and say what you really think and feel (never be disrespectful).  Your confidence will grow the more girls you meet.  Not every girl is the last one on the planet that you feel you must fall in love with.

I used to consider myself a ‘nice guy’ but in reality I bordered on being a bad guy or ‘jerk’ as they are usually referred as.  I played the part of someone who tried hard at being nice to girls because I thought it’s how they wanted to be treated.  I would say what I thought girls wanted to hear even if I was lying through my teeth!  So I guess I was totally selfish.  I was riddled with self-doubt, which some girls misinterpreted as shyness.  The more I socialized, the more my confidence grew with the opposite sex.

The fear of rejection also held me back, it had a lot to do with me over-compensating in trying to be nice.  Whereas, if I’d just gone out and been myself , as if I was with my good friends, I would have experienced more success with girls a lot sooner.

Nice guys can and do get the girl…. eventually.

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Have you made your New Year resolution yet?  If you are struggling to find something to give up (because it’s not good for you) or are thinking of taking up something that will benefit your well-being, but are still undecided, then why not consider a New Year relationship resolution.  This could do wonders for the relationship between you and your partner.

One recent poll conducted in North America, placed spending more time with family and friends as the No. 1 New Year resolution.

In making a New Year relationship resolution specifically for my wife and children, I acknowledge that I could, and should, have made the effort in the past twelve months to be a better partner and parent.

We all could do a lot more to enrich our relationships and so creating a better relationship environment.

Improve communication.  When there is a lack of effective communication, misunderstandings arise, we become insular and a constant negative atmosphere takes over the relationship.

Your resolution doesn’t have to be achieved quickly.  Take small steps over a period of time, say a month or two.  Give more of your time each week to conversing with your partner.  Ask them what kind of year they would like to see.  Have they made a resolution?  Are there mutual goals they want to work on?  For example, saving for a longed for vacation or going into business together.

Working towards a mutual goal is great for relationships that may just be going through the motions and could do with freshening up.  This can also test the resolve and character of either partner if they come across barriers and end up back at the beginning.

We all seek happiness in our lives and being in a harmonious relationship will usually require some effort from both of you to reach that stage where whatever life throws at you, the good, bad and ugly, at least the relationship flourishes.

Most people’s resolutions get abandoned within 3 months because either what is required to achieve the desired outcome is just too hard or there is a loss of interest and the New Year resolution is forgotten about.

Don’t let this happen to you.  Make your New Year relationship resolution one that you enjoy taking part in.  Reward yourself when you reach a particular milestone by maybe going to a restaurant with your partner.  Just do something enjoyable together that you don’t normally do.

Remember when your relationship was so important to you it was your life?  Complacency/indifference and the stresses and strains of modern living may have buried it to the back of your mind.

Make your New Year relationship resolution achievable by a bit of planning and commitment.  You may then just realize just how relevant and essential your relationship still is in your life.

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I have just finished watching one of my favorite Christmas movies ‘A Christmas Carol’.  Ebeneezer Scrooge in being shown the error of his ways, ultimately finding happiness and contentment in his life by helping people much less fortunate than himself.

If you look at your relationship, there must be something you can do that shows your partner that you care about them.  You could also benefit by feeling better about yourself as well as your relationship.

‘Giving’ in a relationship doesn’t have to entail money or gifts to make a positive impression on your partner.

How can  you ‘give’ your time to your relationship if you spend all your spare time doing things that only interest you?  It’s obviously good for a relationship that either partner are free to pursue their own interests and hobbies.  If though, you are obsessive and so shut your partner out, you are possibly perceived as selfish and remote.  This then would be a great opportunity for you to change.

Put yourself in your partner’s position, what is it like being ignored and isolated by you?  At times we could all do with stepping back from our relationship and looking at ourselves from our partner’s perspective.

You could ‘give’ your partner space within the relationship to thrive as an individual.  Do you consider that your relationship is one of equals or do you treat it as a device for your own benefit?  Your partner could be frustrated and miserable, feeling they, and their opinions count for very little.

When you consciously make a decision to include your partner as an equal within the relationship, with their own voice, you are giving your partner the opportunity to ‘breathe’ again and enjoy being a genuine part of the relationship again.  Just as it used to be when you both first dated.  They were exciting times that you can recreate, if only a small part, which would be so much appreciated by your partner.

So, I hope you make a simple decision that going into the New Year you will make a difference to the way your partner sees you and the relationship.  It will cost you nothing, but will go a long way to re-establishing the loving relationship you both once committed yourselves to.

Have a great Christmas!

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Looking around several relationship forums and blogs, there has been a topic that has consistently been raised over the last few weeks.  Is this Christmas the last one with your partner, as they are thinking of dumping you in the New Year?

Six out of ten couples who break up will do so in January.

Your partner may have already planned to leave you in the New Year, but a) they think enough of you to make it a lovely Christmas for you, or b) they are seeing if this period will make them change their mind.

If they have been planning to leave you, how come you haven’t noticed?  If you have lived with your partner for a number of years, then have you become aware of subtle changes in your partner’s attitude towards you.  Or there could be signs, but you are taking your partner, and the relationship, for granted.

Hopefully, your partner is using the Christmas period to finally decide if they should indeed leave you or not.

This is the time of year when we renew old acquaintances, see family and friends and exchange gifts with sentiments expressing love or friendship.  It’s a good idea to also look at your relationship over the past year and beyond.

1, Put yourself in your partner’s shoes.  What is it like living with you.  Are you a bully?  Do you use your partner like a hired help?  Do you ignore them much of the time?

2, Do you treat your partner with understanding and respect?

3, Do you listen and respond to your partner’s concerns about the relationship, their job, their family and friends?

4, Do you help them when they are ill or when, at times, overwhelmed by the pressures of modern life?

5, Do you remember their birthday and your anniversaries?

6, Do you spend relaxation time together or does your life revolve around other activities?

You might think your partner can’t leave you because they are not financially solvent or if you do have suspicions that your partner is unhappy enough to be considering their future with you.  Or it’s dawned on you that you have let your relationship slide?  Then now is the time to take action.

If you are or have been selfish in your relationship, make a real effort to change.  Christmas is a time for giving, then give your relationship the attention it deserves.

If you truly care about your partner, then tell them that you are sorry for the way you have behaved.  Mention that you want to take this time as an opportunity to change for the better going into the New Year.

Whether or not your partner has made plans to leave you doesn’t really matter.  Genuinely reconnecting with your partner would make an excellent New Year resolution for you and hopefully for your relationship.

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It’s just a first date, it’s no big deal.  That’s right, what’s the problem?  That first date isn’t an engagement.  It’s a get together between two people over a coffee, dinner or a trip to the movies.

The thing is we just can’t help ourselves.  We get anxious just going to work or a visit to the dentist.  First date nerves is no different, but for a great dating experience, you will want to kill first date anxiety.

You can reduce some of that first date anxiety by a well prepared action plan:

1, personal hygiene is so important, so I know you will think “Obviously I’m going to shower, brush my teeth, and splash on some nice smelly stuff”.

2, Dress for the occasion, you will feel comfortable and fit right in.

If you are going for a coffee, casual/smart is the obvious way to go.

Unless you are booked to go ‘white water rafting’ think ‘smart’ every time and vary it between casual and formal.  It’s that first impression that might be bringing on anxiety.  But if you look and feel good there is now less to worry about.

Most people make up their mind about you within the first 30 seconds of meeting you.  That’s right, you may not have had time to say your hellos before your date has decided this is also your last date!

OK, there will always be other variables that come into play.  It could be you are too fat, too thin, too short, too tall.  Maybe you stretched the truth and were creative with your profile when you initially described yourself.  Just to make you feel better maybe their profile was also written by a fiction writer.  It’s what people do trying to impress when it’s that first date where it all really matters.  Profiles that are ‘loose with the truth’ happen to be one of the biggest gripes in the dating world.

3, Come up with a loose script in your mind about what you think will make for interesting chit chat.

What does cause anxiety is the fear of silence during the date.  This might happen if the date is going badly, say at a restaurant, why not try going bowling or some other activity its a great first date anxiety killer.  You have fun, making fun of each other and inhibitions soon evaporate.

A first date really should not be seen as a desparate opportunity to seek out a boy/girlfriend partner.

If you approach it as a fun first time get together with no romantic expectations, then your date will also relax and both of you will hopefully enjoy the date.  If it doesn’t work out, and you didn’t get along as well as you wanted, then put it down to experience, learn from it and move on.

Another cause of anxiety is, will my date expect a kiss when?  When will that happen?  Of course you kiss, a kiss on cheek, when saying thanks for the date, and good night is all that should be expected.  It’s a pleasant gesture that has no deeper meaning.  Get over it and go home.

Your first date will be a stepping stone, no more, and if you got on great together then arrange a second date.

Anxiety?  What anxiety!

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Speed dating has been around for a good few years now.  From humble beginnings in a Beverley Hills cafe in California in 1998, it has grown into a global phenomenon.

In most major cities around the world there will be a speed dating event held each week.  This is one fad that shows no sign of waning.

What is Speed Dating?

Speed dating is an event where individuals get to meet a large number of like minded people in a short space of time, for the purpose of forming relationships.  ideally, 20 to 30 equal numbers of males and females meet, usually in a nice bar. Generally the females will be seated at tables and the males are given a number of minutes allotted by the event organizer to spend meeting a female.  When a bell rings (this varies between 3 and 10 minutes) the males will then move onto another table.

Because of the nature of speed dating, minds are also make up quickly if the would-be suitors are interested in anyone in particular.

First impressions really do count in this game.  A 2005 study by the University of Pennsylvania found that most people had made up their minds within the first 3 seconds of meeting.  A similar study in Edinburgh, Scotland, found that 45% of women and 22% of men at the event came to a decision within the first 30 seconds.

By it’s very nature in this type of event, a ultra fast selection process is taking place.  Immediate physical attraction must play a significant role, closely followed by what you choose to talk about.  Get these right and, hopefully, you will meet a great future mate or, at the very least, make some new friends or even business contacts.

Many speed dating events companies are free to join, you only pay for the event you sign up to attend.  Some are type specific – 20-40 age groups; senior citizens age group; Christians/Jews/Muslims; graduate professionals.

If you feel a bit nervous about attending your first event, bring along a willing friend.  They don’t have to take part but may be required to leave once the event starts.

Once the event begins you have a form to tick off people who interested you.  You will also get to see who was interested in you.  The event organizers will then give you contact details for you to follow up if you wish.

The Downside:

Speed dating can be expensive.  The average event lasts 2 to 3 hours and will cost you £20 ($30).

From a Mail on Sunday article, it was reported that it could take an average of 75 hours to find ‘love’ through speed dating.  Of course, it all depends on what you want out of it.  Some women complain that men who attend these events are only looking for sex.  In itself, that is nothing new in whatever type of dating you choose.

To Maximize Your Chances of a Successful Speed Date:

1, Shower and brush your teeth.  Yes, that might be obvious to you, but some will rush from work to attend an event.  If you are serious about speed dating you should make a real effort with this.

2, Dress to impress.  Look to wearing smart and comfortable clothes.  You should turn up at an event looking fresh and clean.  Avoid overdoing the perfume/aftershave, as some people are allergic to scent and you don’t want someone gagging within the first 10 seconds of meeting you.

3, Introduce yourself.  Don’t talk about previous bad experiences of speed dating.  Don’t be negative in anything you discuss.  Try and be your natural, charming self.  Always be honest, avoid exaggerating anything about your life, or job etc.  A lie may come back to bite you later!  Be attentive, genuinely listen to the person talking to you.

During and after the event there will be an opportunity to mingle. listen and learn from those who appear to be successful at the speed dating event.  Observe how they talk and act with the opposite sex.  How they are dressed and what makes them tick.  Above all, enjoy yourself and let your enthusiasm and sense of humor shine through.  Then you really will make a great first impression.

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