I can still feel that crushingly numb sensation even though it was more than 40 years ago!  Getting dumped by a woman I cared deeply about.  She was my life, everything revolved around her.  Most of my conscious thoughts were about her.  How could she reject me?  Had she lost her senses?  Then, to add to my distress, the endless self analysis, which would keep me from a good night’s sleep for weeks.  Where did I go wrong?  Maybe it was that stupid reaction of mine at that pizza place?  Nope!  It must have been when we argued about her stupid dog?  Yeah, that must be it.  She love that mutt more than life itself!

Many of us take criticism and rejection badly, whether it’s from friends or your boss at work.  You feel it’s personal and this is compounded when dumped by someone that you share an emotional bond.  You will most likely have tried to get your ex back with you, but have experienced continued rejection and possibly the anger of your ex by showing desperate means to get them back.

There are several ways that can help you recover more quickly and so move on with your life.  You may feel a whole range of emotions; disbelief, anger, self pity and depression.  You should allow yourself time to grieve, don’t fight the emotional trauma you are experiencing if you cry, especially if you’re a man, don’t hold back, let it out.  It’s a process you are going through, don’t deny it.

Only you will recognize the moment has come for you to move on with your life.  Neither your friends and family’s soothing words will really help you arrive at that decision.  Take something positive from your time with your ex.  If you learn from the mistakes made you will be a better person for it.

It’s not a good idea to go immediately back into dating someone.  You first need to fix yourself.  In my own experience, and many others I have spoken to, have felt the need to give themselves a make-over.  Join a gym, take up a hobby, buy some new clothes.  All this helps towards the healing process.

Make Daily Affirmations – Do affirmations work?  Yes, without a doubt.  If making affirmations are good enough for Rory McIlroy, the recent winner of the US Open Golf Tournament, and other successful sports men and women, why not give it a try.  Come up with a memorable phrase, such as:

A, Every day and if every way I am getting better.

B, I’m going to have an amazing day today!

Repeat an affirmation often, when relaxed last thing at night and first thing in the morning.  Say them out loud, in front of a mirror for added effect.  The secret is to believe that saying them will have a beneficial effect on you.  If you can, try hard to repeat your affirmations every day for several weeks.  You should notice a positive difference.

Surround yourself with positive people.  Don’t listen to those who constantly say bad things of your ex.  Some may encourage you to take revenge.  These people’s ‘best intentions’ do not help you to recover.  They only serve to stoke up bad feelings, anger and resentment.  Mix with those people who, although they understand what happened to your relationship, offer only constructive help that actually helps you to move on with your life.  Even better, socialize with those who have no knowledge or wish to talk about your broken relationship.  You are with them because of a shared interest or hobby.  Putting yourself out there again with amenable people around you will do wonders for your self esteem and well-being.

Picking yourself up after being dumped may take some time, but when you allow yourself to grieve then take stock of your life and embrace renewal, you will be able to move on with your life with confidence.

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Earlier this week A Danish website ‘Beautiful People.Com’ removed 30,000 ‘ugly’ people from it’s website.  It seems their site was hacked, which allowed thousands of people usually deemed ‘unsuitable’ to be accepted automatically as members. It took weeks for the error to be noticed before action was taken to remove these undesirable ‘members’.  I believe their sign up fees have since been returned to them, along with an apology for the distress caused.

Beautiful People.Com advertises itself as a site for creating personal and professional relationships.  To become a member applicants need to be voted in by existing members of the opposite sex.  Those voting members have 48 hours to decide if they find the applicant beautiful or not.  If enough members cast a yes vote those ‘lucky’ applicants are granted membership to that elite group of people.

With over 700,000 members worldwide only 1 in 7 applications are successful.  To submit your application you must include a picture (duh!), your height, weight and zodiac sign.

There have been claims that all this has been a publicity stunt, but last January the site banned 5,000 of it’s own members for putting on too much weight over the Christmas period!  How did they know?  Had they positioned a webcam in every member’s home?

My personal viewpoint about this site is unimportant, cyberspace has many sites that have extreme views and prejudices. There should be room on the internet for everybody to have a voice, and unfortunately some of these do turn out to be very unpleasant.

Consider the high number of altered/false pictures which are a continuing problem with traditional dating sites.  I can only imagine the anguish and frantic digital airbrushing going on when applying to join this particular site.

It has been interesting to read many forum posts about this story.  People are actually posting their views on how beautiful or ugly different nations are.  Just for the record us Brits and Germans don’t come out of this well.  Beautiful People.Com agrees with the majority of forum comments, as the highest percentage of rejects come from these nations.  Sweden and Norway come top of those nations considered the most beautiful and attractive followed by France and Brazil.

Now I know that if you factored in a sense of humor into the equation, those figures would change immediately.  Also add in an arrogance and civility scale  and you’d end up with a very different picture.

If decisions about say, getting a job or buying a house, were based solely on looks, the majority of people would be unemployable and living rough.

I am starting up a dating resource and information blog later this year and I will make a point of providing helpful advice to those people who consider themselves physically disadvantaged in some way.  I will also consider including  beautiful people when providing helpful advice, I would hate to be accused of discriminating against them!

If you consider yourself ugly, overweight or even beautiful you are welcome to leave a comment.

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Would you know how your partner wants to be loved?  More to the point, when was the last time you cared?  Are you taking your partner for granted.  In the early stages of a relationship there is so much effort put in by both of you in order to impress and get to know each other.  The brain chemicals take over and work their magic and you both might end up saying “I think I’m falling in love.”

You put a lot of effort into the new relationship. You are consumed with getting to know all you can about your partner.  Nothing is too much trouble in your quest to please them.  You find it easy to forgive their flaws and irritations, as they do of you.  It’s a very intense blissful time  as you both explore each other.

As time moves on and those early days of the relationship are a distant memory, maybe you have grown complacent, your partner isn’t the same person you first met, and life and your relationship have settled into a predictable routine, It happens to most couples.  Would you know now how your partner wants to be loved now?  You might now shrug your shoulders with a look of wide-eyed puzzlement.  Think about it how long has it been since concerned yourself with  your partner’s wants and needs.  They could be desperate for you to show some affection, an acknowledgment that you still care about them.

For many  relationships there is unspoken conflict, which could be dealt with if you were still communicating with one another. Maybe you want sex with your partner, and they don’t, this causes you real frustration.  They wish you didn’t fly into an immediate rage, and you can’t understand why they refuse  you.  If you had taken the trouble to find out, the reasons for lack of sex could have nothing to do with you.

when was the last time you really listened to your partner?  Was it when you both first met?  When both of you couldn’t stop talking for hours? How times have changed.

Relationships are complicated.  Every couples’ relationship is unique.  With unique expectations of what would make them happy and content living with their partner.  There are though basic conduct that should be observed in all relationships, regardless of cultural and religious beliefs, in order for love to flourish.

1. Mutual respect and understanding – when you have that ingredient in a relationship you are more than half way to knowing how your partner wants to be loved.
2. Selflessness – you should not attempt to manipulate and control your partner.  When you do that you have a relationship based on intimidation.
3. Take care of your partner – “In sickness and in health”, your partner means the same to you when they look and feel good as when when they look and feel terrible, consigned to a sick bed.
4. Communication – interaction with your partner.  You talk, and listen attentively.  You might not agree with them at times, but your respect their point of view. Your sex life issues could then have been openly discussed leaving you feeling better because you got to the root of the problem.

Arguments happen in the best of relationships, that’s life.  Reactions are usually spontaneous, without thought, which can escalate into conflict from the most trivial of reasons.  showing your partner that you love them is saying sorry and meaning it.  By buying a small inexpensive gift by way of an apology can mean so much.  Again it’s an acknowledgment that your partner is valued and loved.

What love is, and knowing how your partner wants to be loved can be achieved by the simple act of ‘giving‘.  Giving your time to listen, about how their day went, or their hopes and dreams.   Making time to help out when needed,  and giving your partner attention and appreciation.  Devoting yourself to your partner, as your priority, and less so to yourself. The  predictable routine of your life and relationship then might just take  on a new revitalized direction. You never know, you just might restart that brain chemical voodoo stuff!  Wouldn’t that be worth something?

Do you have an unresponsive partner, do you feel unloved ?   Please add your comment.

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Are women over 30 looking for men much younger than themselves, was a question recently posted on a relationship/dating advice forum.  What interested me was that it provoked a huge response from women, and men.  I was intrigued enough to dig deeper into what, on the surface, seemed a simple enough question.

There was a very mixed bag of views expressed in what was at times very passionate replies.  The views expressed also included  many off topic points  for example ,that some women are still bullied and humiliated by their male bosses and co-workers, and unresolved equal pay issues.

The prevalent view was that there has been a fundamental shift in women’s attitudes and opinions in the last 20 years or so.  They are no longer prepared to accept the male viewpoint that their role in society should be what men expect of them.  That they should conform to stereotypical viewpoints i.e. the man is always the dominant person in a marriage or relationship.  That women should carry out most domestic duties around the home, and their purpose in life is to raise a family.

Well women have, for sometime, asserted themselves.  Today, many live on their own by choice, they hold down good jobs and know exactly what they want in a relationship and if it’s not working out, they express their dissatisfaction by moving on.  They can also party hard as their male friends and now consume substantially more alcohol than in the days of just sipping a fruit drink.  It’s not surprising that they are looking to much younger men for fun.

Years ago women tended to marry men of a similar age group give or take a couple of years.  Women now realize that they no longer wish to marry in their late teens or early twenties.  They are now calling the shots and are prepared to stay single into their 30′s.

Younger men are seen as much more exciting and great for the women’s egos.  Whereas older men seem jaded and set in their ways.  These men generally had specific views on how they expected their women to behave.  Many forum posts mentioned the fact that men usually expected to have a controlling influence in the relationship.  However, younger men don’t have it all their own way, there was a lot of criticism that they were inconsiderate, and put less effort into a relationship.

It’s not just purely physical attraction, and an ego boost that draws these 30 something women to younger men.  Many women have also come out of broken relationships and are now not so quick to rush back into another one.  They are happy to get into non-committal relationships just for fun and sex and so avoiding the emotional drama and other perceived negative points of a committed relationship.  Many are just not prepared to rush into a marriage or relationship and bringing up a family.

Men, it’s seen, have always enjoyed a free spirit lifestyle and those women over 30 expect no less.

(The forum posts numbered  over 70 and not one referred to ‘Cougar Town’ the TV show about older women chasing younger men.  I guess I will leave that for another blog post.)

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I was surprised how much discussion there is about this subject on the internet.  I checked out a couple of polls taken by members of relationship forums.  Around 20% said they would never date a person with disabilities.  The other 80% were a mixed bag of ‘don’t knows’, ‘maybe’s’ depending on the disability, to ‘yes they would’, as it’s their personality that really matters.

As for myself, I would be in there with the majority of people who would at least consider it.  I have to be honest, I would need to know the type of disability and the severity.  We all have preferences (physical and personality wise) some of us wouldn’t consider dating someone overweight, who wears glasses, who is taller or a bunch of other reasons we would personally feel is important to us.

Having a disability does not define a person, but depending on the nature of the disability it could affect their personality and their actions which would have an effect on a date or even potentially forming a relationship.

Fear that a date’s disability may have an adverse effect on a person causing distress and embarrassment puts people off and rather than consider dating a disabled person it’s easier to completely avoid that situation.

If you are on a dating site and someone mentions they are interested in you, but they feel they should also mention that they are bi polar but the condition is under control.  Research the subject, check it out on Google, ask around if someone else has experience of this condition.  Knowledge is everything and you might now feel you would like to get to know that person and eventually may even go out on a date.

I can only imagine how difficult it can be if you are a disabled person looking to date or a relationship, when checking out online dating sites some have a policy of not showing pictures of any disabled men and women.  These people may also have been involved in an accident and have a disfigurement and so I would think displaying such images would somehow offend the general public, the sites administrators, sponsors or anybody who does not suffer from a disability.

Most dating sites show images of an attractive couple on their home page, you can’t blame them for that, they are trying to portray the outcome of signing up to their dating site.

I feel though more helpful advice could be provided for specifically for disabled people to make them feel at ease in using the sites services.

If you are disabled there are several dating sites that specialize in disabled people.  One such site is disabledpeopledating.com (helping disabled singles find love) part of the dating factory network.  Another site to check out is dating disabled singles.com both of these sites provide quality information to enhance the dating experience for all their members.  Even if you don’t want to join the sites you can pick up some good tips and advice for free!

A definition of disabled from Wikipedia states that it is a physical or mental condition that limits a person’s movements, senses or activities.

I would think that disabled people, in general, are not looking for special treatment, just equality of opportunity and not to be judged solely on their disability.  But first and foremost to be allowed to show their character and individuality to any interested prospects who, when informed of the type and severity of disability can then decide if they have any problems in making friends with, and possible forming relationships with those less fortunate then us lucky souls who’s main concern on a date might be, had we brushed our teeth!

Do you agree with any of the points raised?  Am I wrong?  Let me know by commenting on this post.

Thanks

Raymond

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As a parent of two late teens, I would hope my children absorb the good things about growing up in our family.  I can’t recall having really bad fights with my wife in front of our children.  Sure, we would argue at times.  I would be mortified if those arguments or the way we may have negatively reacted to each other had any lasting effect on our children.

Occasional upsets between parents in front of their children have a much less of an impact on child relationship development than constantly living in a tense, intimidating environment, where the child accepts this situation as normal.  I know of one ten year old child who, when being invited round to our home by our kids was totally surprised that we treated her with kindness and respect.  She assumed that her fraught upbringing was normal for all children.

So many parents today lack basic parenting skills or place little value and effort in raising their children.  It’s little wonder that these children grow up emotionally damaged.

What I am certain of is that as proud parents to our two children we tried to bring them up to be respectful to others, to be aware of what is or isn’t acceptable behavior and to constantly let them know we love and care for them.

what we had no influence over was their school life, the effect other children had on their development.

Our children grew up in a drug free, smoking free home, free of abuse.  Our children were, from the age of five, now in contact with children from a whole range of family situations good and bad.

The high school years for our children affected them in many ways, their viewpoints on relationships and life in general were changing and definitely not now wholly influenced by us.

They had then picked up some crude words that were not used in our home (and still not acceptable).  They were also making friends with some dubious characters as well as some kids we really liked.  Their attitude to relationships going into their mid teens influenced by their peers and by relationships formed with the opposite sex had a big impact on them which affected them more than all their years of our influence and patterns of behavior on them.

I can honestly say that a couple of weekends away at rock concerts influenced their thoughts, opinions and social skills than their teachers did in those years at high school.

Sustained emotional trauma experienced by children by their parents will, of course, have an adverse effect.  The degree by which it affects their own future relationships is down to the developing character of each child.

In our household, we tried to give our children a safe, tolerant environment in which to grow.  At times I question whether we were not strict enough with them or if we should always have tried to convey our relationship as a role model for them to take notice of and put into practice.  Something must have rubbed off on them as they both care about people and relationships.  Through some stressful, difficult times my wife and I are still happy to be together.  Our relationship still thrives and I believe that our children are happy in the knowledge that, as a happily married couple, we are still there for them whenever they need us.

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It does happen because ‘love’ for some women is not the major reason for getting married.  Love to me means an intense emotional feeling of desire and affection.  To someone else it could mean something entirely different.  Some women will marry because of financial considerations, they are pregnant or have a child or marry because in their part of the world it is a cultural requirement.

In many of these marriages the husband is dominant in the relationship.  He will have a lot of freedom to do as he pleases, as he will be the sole provider.  His wife will look after the house, fed him, and raise their children.  In some of these relationships she will not be allowed to go out to work.  She will also have to ask permission if she needs to go out or wishes to see her friends.  In this type of relationship the man may marry for other considerations than actually  being in love with their partner.

For most of us, we expect that the partner we are marrying also loves us, as we love them.  The whole courtship, dating scene gives the couple adequate opportunity to decide if the relationship is building into something more permanent.  There may then be an engagement or maybe living together first before deciding to marry.

I’ve checked out a relationship forum talking about this topic.  Many women wrote in saying they married for a variety of reasons, but not for love.  Some had commented that they felt pressured by their boyfriend and family to marry, only to deeply regret that decision and now felt trapped in a loveless married, too afraid to walk out.  Worried what the future would hold.  Several had hoped that they would grow to love their partner over time.

There are many couples who work together well within a loveless, sexless marriage.  They have grown into that type of relationship which does make them still feel valued and both support each other.  This type of relationship can, indeed, stand the test of time.  There seems to be less arguing and controlling factors involved where neither partner possesses an ego that constantly needs inflating.

In North America and the UK, well over half of marriages are destined to fail, something seems to be wrong with what people expect in a marriage.  A willingness to listen to and give time to your partner and compromise when needed, to avoid conflict and misunderstanding is what successfully married couples do.

A twist on this topic comes from a man who battled with his family and close friends over his choice of partner.  He had to listen to many negative comments about her commitment to him and hurtful comments about her character from his brother. He decided to marry her anyway.  Today, 8 years later, in spite of those close to him who were convinced that she did not love him, but wanted his money, they have two wonderful children and a happy and content marriage!

I think it is so incredibly selfish of anyone who will willingly marry for reasons other than love, or hold genuine feelings for their partner. It’s simply unacceptable if that partner is lied to, and begins married life believing their partner loves them.

What do you think?

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This week a short article almost hidden from view in the Daily Mail got my attention.  A study carried out by researchers lead by Professor Neal Roese of Northwestern University Chicago looked at how men and women differ when coping with the demise of a relationship.

It’s stated that 44% of women admitted that they made mistakes in their relationships compared to only 20% of men.  Apparently men can easily walk away from a relationship without hardly a second thought.  It they did look to the reasons for the break up they would usually blame it on the woman that it was her fault.

Few men are willing to own up and say that they ‘regret’ the breakup of their relationship as they view the admission as not masculine.  I would admit that men can be dismissive of a relationship going wrong, if that relationship had only been established for a few weeks or months.  This unsympathetic stance being evident when in conversation with friends or colleagues.  It is indeed a form of masculine bravado which is common among men.  Think of the character Danny Zuko played by John Travolta in the film Grease.  He shows him self up to be a total uncaring ‘jerk’ towards Sandy when he is around his friends in the T Birds gang. Only showing his real softer nature when alone with her.

I have also heard men do a virtual character assassination of women when talking to other males or even sharing their ‘story’ on Facebook.  When hurt, these men bite back cruelly but deep down I’m sure the break up has affected them emotionally.

If the relationship had been long term over many years the break up would affect some of them so badly they became depressed.  Whereas, on the other hand, the woman in that relationship recovered quicker and was able to build a new life with renewed enthusiasm.

I have regrets, a whole stack of them.  But I don’t share them with Facebook, this blog or my friends.  Maybe sub-consciously, I think it’s unmanly to reveal my failures.  There are though ex women colleagues who have shared their innermost relationship problems with me because I have a sympathetic ear.  Many time I would say “Tell your partner what you’ve just told me, I’m sure you would then work out your problems.”

Something seems to happen when a man in a relationship becomes a father.  When they have a son or daughter, they find it easier to show their emotional side.  It’s similar to when a new relationship blossoms.  Men do goofy things, some stop seeing their male friends altogether.  Their emotional side kicks in, more so when the relationship goes intimate.  Men can be just as ‘love struck’ as women.  Just listen to them talking to their new partner ont he phone.  It’s enough to make ‘real men’ weep!

The researchers at Northwestern University also concluded that more that 20% of married women said that if they could they would willingly change their husbands, whereas only 12% of married males said they would change their wives.

Fewer men, it seems, are willing to give up on their partner.  I think the reason is obvious, they realize that they would regret it!

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Almost daily I get emails from supposedly ‘bank officials’ informing me that I am in line to receive a share of millions of dollars if I act as a intermediary in a very lucrative money transaction.  I must be an idiot as I have not taken up any of these offers!  I reckon that over the last two years I have lost out on over two hundred million dollars!

Of course it’s a scam usually originating from North America, Nigeria, or the UK.  Another just as  lucrative scam which plays on the emotional state of the victim is scams from women on dating sites.  I have read many forum posts from men complaining that they had been ‘scammed’( the definition being, a fraudulent business scheme) by women using photos and personal profiles designed to fool someone into thinking they are in contact with a interesting, attractive woman.

Apparently there is a website that scammers use to get pictures of attractive people,which they then use as their own.  The person interested in you (the scam artist) might not even be the sex you are looking to form a relationship with.  They are happy to hide behind the picture and profile they submitted to the dating site.  All this designed to draw you in.

After three or four emails have been exchanged the scheming ‘woman’ might request some money for some desperate reason.  Their sister needs some funds for a minor operation, or they need to fly over and visit you but they have cash flow problems, so could you be a sweetie and forward a few hundred dollars which, of course, they will gladly repay.  Oh and by the way they think they are falling in love with you.

You may be tempted to wire over some money for her sister’s operation, or that you are on cloud nine because this stunning, amazing woman wants to come over and meet you.  Don’t do it, resist the temptation you are the innocent victim of another clever scam!

It’s a scam when ‘she’ suggests you wire over money via Western Union.  That company will not help you when you run into problems, it’s very likely you will never see your money again.

There is a website www.romancescam.com which is very helpful in identifying predominantly Russian and Nigerian scammers by showing the actual pictures they use.  There is also a forum and hundreds of articles where you can interact and pick up valuable information about the shady world of international scammers.

You can also download ‘The scam survivors handbook, ninety-three pages in pdf format.  It’s informative and it’s free.

If you suspect you’re ‘new love’ is not all she seems then you could probably do with all the help you can get!

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A good neighbor of mine has just had his marriage break up.  Over a few beers he told me that for several years he had put up with a partner who had been manipulating, intimidating and often had shown a total disregard of his opinions and feelings.  He tried hard to make light of the situation, but I couldn’t help but think why can’t men stand up to a controlling woman?  My neighbor asked me not to discuss the reasons for his break up with others as he thought people would consider him something of a wimp for putting up with his wife using him as a ‘doormat’ for much of his marriage.

He admitted to me that he accepted her behavior towards him.  Being a manager in charge of  a big department, his job was very demanding.  Coming home to his overbearing wife at the end of the day, all he longed for was to keep the peace for a quiet life.

When he did disagree, or stand his ground she would subject him to days of  the ‘silent treatment’.  When this situation became intolerable he would apologize, even though he had done nothing wrong.

Is it just me or have women become more strident and aggressive over the years?  While we men have been getting in touch with our emotions and feelings, women have been asserting themselves.

Is it possible that there are so many marriage and relationship break downs because women will no longer put up with unsatisfactory relationships and many are opting to live independent lives without a live in partner?  Many more women would also jump at the chance of a new life, but are unwilling because of child and financial constraints.  Over the years, in western cultures, women are no longer willing to take a subservient role when it comes to marriage.

My neighbor, now feeling better after a few more beers, said that his wife seemed to enjoy the tension and drama that she instigated throughout most of their marriage.  She finally left him to move in with her sister.  He said that far from feeling happy at her departure, he genuinely missed her.  He was unsure how he would cope with living in their home on his own.

Why can’t men stand up to controlling women?  It could be because some of them accept their predicament as they really do want a quiet life and keeping the peace, not matter what it takes, is a price worth paying as deep down they do love their partner.

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