In this article about age gap in relationships I want firstly to discount those relationships that may have age differences because of religious and cultural beliefs.  I’m instead dealing specifically with those countries where, especially for the female it’s considered their basic human right to be able to make decisions on who they wish to have a relationship with.  I’ll also discount those  women that seek out and marry an obviously aging millionaire!  If any of you fit that description but take offense, because you both are amazingly happy together, I apologise!

This post is about the vast majority of ordinary couples out there who have become attracted to someone who may be much older than they are.  They may also have  experienced tensions or even hostility from family, friends, or colleagues who found this new relationship hard to accept.  These people may react badly even though they may have good intentions because they probably wish to protect the individual they care about.  For example, where one person in the relationship is a young teenager and their partner is quite a few years older.  Negative attitudes to those that are in big age gap become less noticable the older a couple are.  I doubt that it concerns people if individuals in a relationship are respectively 40 and 50 years old.

I can speak from experience on this issue as my wife is 10 years younger than me.  At first we did encounter some negativety from work colleagues (it’s where we met) but interestingly not from our respective families.  I have checked out several forums where this topic is discussed and the majority of commentators, at least 70% say basically ‘good luck to them, as long as they are happy together’.

An age gap in a marriage could have problems like one partner wants to have children “before it’s too late” or one partner wants to have an active social life but the older partner has “been there, done that” and now wants to slow things down.  That’s life, the unexpected can happen to any relationship regardless of age differences. You just have to try and adjust and move on with your lives.

I remember when my wife and I started going out together.  I was in my thirties, she in her twenties, we both goofed around like a couple of crazy teenagers!

Does showing emotions scare you?  It scares me that, for whatever reason, I might show myself up or cry in front of people.  I guess it’s a macho thing.  Personally,  I think I’m afraid of showing the vulnerable, sensitive side to my nature.  If there is a particularly emotional scene in a film I might develop moist eyes, but I would never let my wife see me.  Also, when it comes to relationships, understanding and controlling your own emotions and what can trigger good and bad emotional responses helps you to tune into what affects your partner’s emotions.  Are you making your partner unhappy or depressed because you are cold and indifferent of your partner’s feelings, wants and needs?  It seems so many of us hold back showing our true emotional feelings to our partners.  Yet the public in general has, for several years now, been willing to show their emotional response to events.

I’ll never forget Princess Diana’s funeral.  There was this huge outpouring of collective, public grief.  The next day, some sections of the media thought the public reaction was too much and that it was the ‘English way’ to be more restrained.

Apparently, many people think that showing emotion is a sign of weakness and definitely not something to be aired in public.

Just look at the TV programs out there pulling our emotional strings.  Shows like ‘Britain’s Got Talent’ portray certain contestants as having an unhappy childhood or they have overcome some deep-seated trauma.  Some of these celebrity hopefuls even say that their lives will surely be over if they didn’t get through to the next week’s show.  The viewing public sigh or cry, as do the contestants.  All this makes great TV.  Then there’s reality shows where specially picked members of the general public may have to survive weeks in a jungle environment, or living under one roof together.  Every human emotion is on show – fear, anger, joy and tears.  These poor souls actually have been chosen from a list of thousands who are pitching for their 15 minutes of fame.

Thinking about it, maybe showing emotion won’t scare me so much if I was on TV!

Emma, writing from Plymouth, said her boyfriend’s weight gain (35 lbs) was beginning to turn her off.  She just doesn’t know how to bring up the subject as he is very sensitive about his appearance and most likely would get very annoyed.

I can identify with her boyfriend’s feelings, to a point.  My wife has mentioned my expanding waistline in the past.  I would get defensive, and not want to talk about it.  I realise she was not making fun of me, but just making an observation, and it should be nothing to get annoyed about.

Emma’s problem is more complex.  She has seen her boyfriend’s weight rise so much until she can no longer stand his physical appearance.  She says she still loves him but is now finding it impossible to respond to his advances in the bedroom.

Her boyfriend loves Indian and Chinese takeouts, burgers and beer.  He also spends a lot of time watching tv.  When they do go out together it will usually be to a fast food restaurant followed by a visit to a bar.

I have written back to Emma saying she should convince her boyfriend to cut down drastically on all the takeout meals and the fast food restaurants, and the money saved go to something they both would enjoy – a holiday to somewhere they would love to visit, for example.  She has said she is willing to cook more healthy meals at home, that’s a good start.

She could also mention that she wants to join a gym, and that if he joined too, they could motivate each other.  The exercise would do them both a power of good.  Getting fit together will sharpen them both up to take on other pursuits, as well as reviving their bedroom antics (he will like that idea).  This way they would make changes to their lifestyle together, without mentioning his weight gain outright.  Cut down on his 7 days a week beer drinking gradually as he may react against too many sudden changes happening all at once.

Emma’s boyfriend does take her for granted and they do need to talk about the state of their relationship.  She cares too much about her boyfriend to leave him, so she has decided to do something positive.  She is getting actively involved in the changes she wants her boyfriend to make.  In her latest email she is now cooking at home for her delighted boyfriend as she cooks just like his mum!

I have been spending some quality time in San Diego recently with my family, returning to the UK last week.  Yet again, the prospect of canceled flights because of the Icelandic ash cloud was a real possibility.  But just in time for our return, Heathrow Airport was open again for business. We were also lucky on the outbound flight from Heathrow as flights had resumed a few days earlier. Living in the UK, the volcanic ash forced the shutting down of much of northern European airspace for many days. This caused major disruption of business travel, freight movement and holidays.  The eventual cost in lost revenue coming in at over a billion dollars.

With all this going on over a six day period, much of the UK enjoyed clear blue skies and, for the life of me, I couldn’t see anything resembling a cloud, volcanic or cumulus.  It didn’t seem right, so I checked out several forums and Twitter to find out what other people were thinking.  The usual conspiracy theories were there from secret terrorist threats to UFOs.  It was fun reading some of this stuff but not fun for the hundreds of thousands of people.  Many with families who were now, with no planes flying, stuck where they were.  Some trying to make their own way home from all over Europe found they were being charged huge amounts of money to hire a car or taxi.

On the other hand, what was inspiring, was the generosity of ordinary Americans, Spaniards, French etc who willingly provided food and accommodation freely to weary, stranded people. There was even airline passengers wanting to give up their seats to those who were desperate to return home.

We enjoyed our few weeks away, we were also lucky to miss the UK general election with the inevitable boring TV and press coverage. My wife though is dreading what’s on the horizon, the world cup soccer tournament!

Who needs friends? well I’ve always had friends for as long as I can remember. But several years ago when I was going through a bad time, I really needed a good friend to talk to.  I had moved from my home town and had lost contact with most of my friends.  Unfortunately I had not formed close friendships in my new town. But I just couldn’t bring myself to phone an old friend out of the blue ,and so felt completely isolated.  That turned out for me, to be a mistake, talking through my problems with a good friend who would have given good advice, without being judgmental would have helped alot.

Everybody is different in how they classify friends and mere aquaintances.  Most people have many aquaintances, we know these people casually, and we are friendly towards each other.  They can be our neighbor, postman, or shop assistant etc.  generally we would not consider letting these people in on our most private thoughts and problems.

Then there are ‘friends’ with whom we share recreational time with.  We may have met them as colleagues from school, university, or work place .  We may share our innermost thoughts and feelings, and so may feel they are real friends.

Then there’s our ‘best or childhood friends’.  These friends are the ones we are close to, they are like family.  We share our innermost thoughts and fears, and have complete mutual trust.  You would be lucky to have two or three of these friends, they are a part of your life.  Some people say they regard these friends on the same level or higher than the relationship they share with their partner.

Then there are friendships formed on social network sites.   Many real relationships have started out by signing up to Facebook and many other popular sites, sharing stories, interests, and photo’s.  Many have become addicted to this social network phenomenon.

Studies have shown that most people say they have up to twenty friends, of these no more than two or three are seen as best or close friends.  When we fall out with a close friend, it’s just as devastating as falling out with your partner.  One thing is for sure, good friends enrich our lives and we are happier people with those we  can count on in good times and bad.

If you have a ‘Who needs friends’ story you would like to share, please comment on this post!

‘Linda’ sent me a distraught email the other week.  She found out her husband had, for two years, been involved in several  affairs.  At first he vehemently denied it, but when confronted with compelling evidence ‘turned the tables’ and, as Linda wrote, “My husband blames me for his affairs!”

Maybe, when those people in relationships who are guilty of having extra marital affairs, when cornered, think the best form of defense is attack.  For many wives who are inexplicably blamed for their partners affairs, the accusations have a heart stopping effect.  Linda wrote that she felt sick to her stomach, also her husband, by his words and actions, was making her doubt herself.  Her self esteem was in pieces.  She hardly eats and sleep is virtually impossible, as she keeps going over in her mind just where did she go wrong for her husband to want other women. He now treats her “As scum”.  Although Linda is shocked by her husband’s behaviour towards her, she says she still loves him.  She can’t contemplate divorce and living alone.

If you find yourself in a similar situation as Linda, you need to take a deep breath and clear your head.  You should try and stop this destructive self analysis of why you have failed your partner.  Your partner made a conscious decision to embark on an affair, and when you found out, blamed you.  If there was a problem in the relationship they should have  voiced their concerns.  I have mentioned many times in articles about the importance of effective communication in a relationship.  It’s a two way street, you talk and listen to each other.

You might want to check out some self help books, go to the library, or Google ‘recovering from an affair’, or similar keywords.  Take time out with some good friends.  In fact anything that helps you take your mind off self blame.  You will need to think about what you want to do with your life going forward.  Will you want to save your marriage?  If not, there are many considerations to take into account – finances, home , children, joint business, etc.  You may need to talk to a counselor and lawyer who will help you to make a rational decision rather than one made purely on emotions.  In taking steps to feel better about yourself, your self esteem will improve  and you will get stronger.

The unknown is always a scary proposition, so share your hopes and fears with someone who cares about you.  Linda has started to turn her life around, and so can you.

If you have experience of a similar situation let me know!

There was an interesting question on a self help forum recently, a musician was wondering if they could be bipolar.

They had been suffering from severe mood swings, which they believed could be attributed to that disorder.  They gave me the impression it was something that was desirable, and were seeking the approval of forum members.

It seemed very strange to me, until this week, when I read an article where there are a number of celebrities in the UK who say they are bipolar, and are attributing that disorder to increased creativity which was proving to be beneficial to their career.

Bipolar disorder used to be called manic depression, which is a chemical imbalance in the brain.  This causes massive mood changes.  The high state or ‘manic’ part of manic depression, is when a person feels a heightened sense of self esteem, feeling invincible, and extreme impulsive behaviour.  Their mood can then swing at any time into the low state depression side, resulting in feeling constantly tired, loss of interest in previously enjoyable activities such as socializing, sex, hobbies etc.  There could also be irritation, sleeplessness and loss of concentration.

It’s a lifelong condition and there is currently no cure for bipolar disorder.  Although, when correctly diagnosed, the treatment available helps sufferers to control the symptoms with psychotherapy (this is covered in my ”What Is Talking Therapy’ blog post) and medication.

We all feel depressed from time to time.  It’s natural and many people suffer from mood swings.  But to say that you are bipolar because it is somehow ‘cool’ or trendy, as it supposedly helps you in some way, trivializes the disorder.  From the accounts of genuine sufferers it is definitely not something to wish for.  There can be real problems with relationships, bad side effects of medication, such as weight gain, and frightening mood swings.

I sent a reply to the musician on the forum suggesting they go see their general practitioner, who would  put them in touch with a mental health professional. Who would then give a diagnosis as to what they are suffering from, and the possible treatment they would need.  If it turns out you have bipolar disorder, I hope you enlist the help of close friends or family members, who will hopefully understand what you are going through and give you support when needed.  Knowing there are others that are there for you, will go a long way to helping you come to terms with this terrible affliction.  Together with treatment and medication, you will be able to take control of your life.

There is nothing ‘cool’ about bipolar disorder, click on this link to learn more, bipolar helpline

I received this plea in my post, and it just happens to be one of the biggest problems to get over in a relationship breakdown.

My answer is “YES”, as anything is possible.  Trust can be rebuilt!

My definition of trust is having complete confidence in someone, where you are comfortable in the knowledge  that they will not let you down.   When you break that trust it can be very difficult to restore and for some people something they are unable to resolve.  One of the major causes of a breakdown of trust  is infidelity.

Infidelity in a marriage or relationship shatters trust and respect. Many relationships end when this happens, never to get back together again.  If you are the one who’s been involved in an affair or a one night stand and have been found out it doesn’t have to mean it’s the end of your marriage or relationship.  Several people have told me that they felt so confused as they still both loved and hated their partner for what they have done.  Although there was real anger, there was no wish to completely give up on their partner.   The love they felt was that strong.  In that situation there is a chance the relationship could be rescued.

In trying to regain trust, you have to show heartfelt remorse, a promise never to repeat that break in trust again and you have to mean it.  Give them regular reassurance to show that you have changed.  Your partner may very well forgive, but it’s not going to be easy for them to understand why you have let them down.  If there are low points, when they seem to be struggling with the concept of forgiving you, try and understand what they are going through.  Give them the time and space to get over it in their own time, and time is a great healer.

It’s a long journey, with set backs and frustrations.  But that’s where, hopefully, the solid foundation of your relationship will help you to work through the low times together.

I have been there, when I found out my wife was having an affair, that was more than ten years ago.  I experienced those dark days when I thought my marriage was over, then the amazing moment I got my wife back with me.  I believed our marriage was worth saving and this is what helped me through the turbulence of rebuilding the relationship.  My wife stuck by me whenever I gave her a hard time, because she also wanted to give the relationship another chance.

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If you would like to find out how I won her back and how you too can fix your relationship, click on the image above, to find out more.  Scroll down to the opt in box to download my free six part mini course.

Several months ago I wrote about the benefits of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) especially when it concerns relationship issues.  I have been asked is it the same as Talking Therapy.  CBT happens to be  one of the main types of what is called  ’Talking Therapies’.  The others being counselling and psychotherapy, which  are becoming increasingly popular in the UK and USA.

There are many different types of talking therapies, but they all basically work the same way.  By talking about our innermost thoughts, feelings and emotions we will be able to make positive changes in our lives.  Talking therapies help those who suffer from anxiety, depression and phobias.  Also, those that wish to stop excessive alcohol consumption, smoking,  taking drugs, and other issues that impact on their lives.

Think of Frasier, the ficticious radio show psychologist from the once popular sitcom, his tag line was “I’m listening”.  It’s what talking therapy is all about.  A therapist/counsellor will listen to your problems, and through talking about the issues that trouble you, a positive way forward is planned so you can work to resolve those problems.  Depending on the severity of your problem, medication may also be prescribed to be used in conjunction with therapy.

Although talking therapy is available in many towns and cities in the UK, you may have to be prepared to travel to get exactly the help you require. If you feel talking therapy is something worth considering, then the first step would be to see your general practitioner, who will then refer you to a suitable therapist/counsellor.  These are often based at hospitals, some though do house visits, usually for assessment purposes.

It’s always been a good idea to talk about what’s troubling you, with family and friends when you feel you can’t help yourself.  Enlisting the help of a qualified professional is the next step when you need that extra help, or you are at a loss as to how you can get better by yourself.

When you need them, your family, friends and colleagues will always be there for you, and their support, coupled with the use of talking therapy could be very beneficial to your well being and eventual recovery.

There should be no stigma attached in seeking help.  One in four people have, for example, suffered from depression sometime in their lives.  If you just try and learn and understand more about your condition, by researching through the internet or reading books, it will help, it really will!

If  you have a point of view or experience you would like to share after reading this article, please let me know!

I have had several questions on this topic and this particular story stands out.

Jeff’s wife Liz says she loves him but is ‘as cold as ice’ as she no longer shows him any affection.  Jeff is at a loss to explain why there is no intimacy, or any attempt at showing affection, in their five year marriage.  When they first met, they got on great and realized they had much in common.  Liz moved in with Jeff six month’s later.  Jeff says “after living together for a few months I realized I wanted to spend the rest of my life with Liz.  I didn’t need to persuade her, she immediately agreed.  We were so into each other, all our friends said getting married was what they expected us to do.

Life was good for about three years, then Liz cooled on the relationship.  It wasn’t immediate, it was little things at first.  She lost interest in planning our weekends.  The casual kisses and hugs died out.  Then she started rebuffing my advances in the bedroom.  This would annoy me, we’d argue and end up not speaking for days.  This didn’t seem to worry her.  There are no children, we had planned on having kids, but the way she is with me, it’s just not possible now.  Lately she is openly critical, she says I’m selfish and don’t help around the house, I can’t figure out what’s wrong.”

Many marriages, and relationships go through this phase, and it is a phase if you take control to turn the problem around.  When couples get together the relationship is new and exciting, the exhileration of those initial few month’s is not possible to maintain at that level ( it’s all down to a chemical reaction in the brain producing those euphoric highs) So when couples move in together their focus which was once only on each other, is now clouded by more mundane issues like job commitments and bills.  women generally tend to take on the majority of domestic chores, and if she also has a job then in juggling everything, the relationship and romance take a back seat.

It’s life, and so when your wife says she loves you, but is not in love with you then it’s the exciting stage of the relationship that is no longer present.  Maybe Jeff changed when they married.  It’s a big step from a carefree relationship to a ruitine filled home life some of which is tedious.

What ever the reason if Jeff  cares enough to save the marriage, he should first look to himself.  Where he could be falling down in providing support to his wife.  Is she so unhappy she is seeing someone else?  jeff has to communicate again, just like he used to when getting to know Liz interested him.  He has to get down to the core problem of Liz’s coldness towards him.

She says that she still loves him, so all is not lost.  Just go for it Jeff!