The two page article was penned by Timothy D Wilson the Sherrell J Aston professor, Department Of Psychology at the University Of Virginia, USA.   I gulped my coffee down.  The professor, who happens to have a stellar reputation, was criticizing the self help industry.  I noted he also happened to have a book to promote entitled ‘Redirect’.  Was this a familiar marketing ploy to neutralize the competition by making it seem inferior to a his new offering so that it would stand out from the crowd?

On this occasion I might be wrong, as further checking reveals that he has held a negative view of self help books for a number of years.  He feels most of the self help books out there offer remedies and mantras without any scientific proof, endeavoring to make people happy without curing them of what really ails them.  Furthermore, people don’t really expect that the self help books they buy will actually help them.

I had bought a couple of of these books a few years ago and, in my case, he just might have a point.  If I had truly believed any of those books I bought would hold the answer to my problems, I would have made a point of reading them with conviction, cover to cover.  I have though not, as yet, come across a self help book that was contrived rubbish, deliberately designed to mug me out of my hard earned money.  The authors of the books I bought, including some of which I found freely available on the internet, have definitely had a beneficial effect on me, however small.

These publications have caused me to think, evaluate and question certain beliefs and self doubts I have held.  This has not been a bad thing, as I took on board various points and techniques which I have, no doubt, positively altered my outlook self esteem.  I can’t help thinking of all those people with social and emotional problems who don’t go to a bookstore or the internet for answers, but look to drugs and alcohol to numb what troubles them.

I am certain the multi million dollar self help industry will continue to thrive no matter how good Professor Wilson’s book is.  It will still be on sale with every other self help book in the Amazon marketplace.  For the book to stand out and be taken notice of, it would have to be issued for free in doctors’ surgeries and hospital wards.

In Professor Wilson’s newspaper article there is a well known exercise that I will share here as I have used it myself.  It can help those who wish to get over past traumatic, upsetting events.

Exercise

A,  Close your eyes and think about the event/experience that troubles you.

B,  Try and visualize it in your mind.

C,  Visualize stepping back from that event/experience so that it is now in the far distance.  Now run through that time again with you in it.  In observing it, again try and understand what were the underlying reasons for your distress.  Is the situation becoming clearer in your mind?

Repeat this exercise, as if you are replaying a movie clip.  The negative impact it has on you should hopefully be receding, just as it has receded in your visualization.

There were several other scientifically proven exercises in the article, but maybe you might consider buying the book.  After all it’s got proven scientific research to back it up.  ‘Redirect’ can be found in the Amazon bookstore.

I am not affiliated with  this product in any way.

If you have any viewpoints of the self help industry, that you are willing to share, please leave a comment.

Bookmark to:

These days, couples tend to marry in their late twenties rather than late teens, or early twenties of thirty years ago.

There is hardly any social pressure to get married today.  Sex on demand used to be a big motivator, whereas in these enlightened times, sex is expected when couples begin dating.

There are steps you can take to convince your partner that they should consider committing to you.

Take Commitment Out Of The Equation

If you are alienating your partner by bringing up the subject, then stop.  Instead, concentrate on building the relationship, be genuine.  Most of us tend to fabricate a certain persona to impress the person we are attracted to.  This tactic backfires on us once we revert to our real personalities when we enter into a commitment.  So try and be your natural self, your partner will appreciate your honesty.

What Is Their Fear?

Find out what scares them about committing to a relationship.  Work on removing those concerns.  You could reassure them that commitment does not mean being handcuffed, as long as they behave responsibly, they will still enjoy their own ‘space’ within a relationship.

Show You Are Committed

Show interest in their life and what they enjoy, or are passionate about.  For example, you don’t have to take up watching football on TV, or going to a football match.  You may be totally bored by it, but by showing respect for your partner’s interests and hobbies promotes the idea that you care, a definite plus!

If you are sure you want to commit to this person, then take small, positive steps to reach the ultimate goal of making it an easy decision for them to commit to you.

Bookmark to:

1, Children inheriting their genetic heritage from their parents.

2, The actions of family members affecting the child, causing anxiety.

3, Being teased or bullied at home, school or in other social situations.

As we grow into young adults meeting and conversing with the opposite sex can prove to be a problem.  Some people find it difficult to come to terms with anxiety and shyness when interacting with others, which can affect them throughout their lives.

To break the cycle of social fear you need to recognize that you have a problem which is irrational and are willing to take steps to subdue your self conscious feelings.  Coming to terms with your shyness and social anxiety will go along way to changing the way you see the world.  There are counselors and therapists who can help you, but here I have included some self help tips that just may go some way to alleviate this:

1, Break the focus on your negative self conscious feelings, concentrate instead on positive points you think you have about yourself.

2, Start conversations by asking questions about the other person, for example, why did they choose to come to that particular event.  Complement them on their choice of clothes.  You can even make a point of mentioning your anxiety in a humorous way.  People will always react sympathetically.

3, If possible, try to make eye contact often, without starring.  This shows you are genuinely interested in what the person has to say.

4, Many people use alcohol to boost their confidence in public.  Drinking sensibly can help in the short term, just know your limitations or else you will find people talking about you for all the wrong reasons!

5, Make mental notes on how people interact with each other in social situations.  Then try to use some of these positive points yourself when interacting.

6, Practice several conversation topics.  It is a good idea to do some background reading by reviewing the national newspapers, watching the news, to get up-to-date with current affairs, sporting events, music, etc, so that you can easily join in a discussion around a topic.

You don’t have to put yourself under undue pressure.  Try out some or all of the above points, observe and learn.  Take one step at a time and hopefully, you will grow into the happy, confident person you always wanted to be.

Bookmark to:

There are a variety of symptoms for panic attacks ranging from trembling and shaking, light-headiness, tightness in the throat and chest, raised heart rate and blood pressure, and feelings of dread and fear.  Any one of these symptoms could lead to a feeling of impending death.  Some people are so concerned  as they are experiencing a panic attack that they seek help at a hospital’s emergency department, convinced they are having a heart attack.

Although some will consider quitting their jobs, it’s not necessarily the job that is the cause of their problems.  Many sufferers of panic attacks actually have an underlying condition such as any number of phobias, or even alcohol or drug abuse, possibly involving ecstasy or marijuana.  The sufferer is best to seek a qualified medical opinion from their doctor.

There are a number of triggers of a panic attack at work.  A hot and stuffy atmosphere, preparing for an important meeting, or taking on extra duties, leading to increased pressure to reach targets.

A panic attack will usually last up to around half an hour, reaching its peak within the first ten minutes.

If you find yourself having a panic attack there are a number of self help tips to help you lessen the traumatic effects:

1, Controlled breathing – breathing deeply through the nose can have a marked effect in controlling your anxious feelings.

2, Understanding – learn more about this debilitating illness.  Understanding the symptoms, causes and treatment of panic attacks, recognizing you are experiencing a panic attack and that there is no reason to fear you are dying, which is a typical feeling when having an attack.

3, Avoid caffeine – cut out drinking coffee and other caffeine-based drinks.  While you’re at it, cut down on cigarettes, as these are known to trigger attacks.

4, A Plan – is there someone at work who you can trust enough to ask them if they could be available to cover for you, or be there to support you when you feel a panic attack is about to happen.  Actually talking to someone who is sympathetic to what you are going through will help you to cope better.

People who suffer panic attacks at work don’t wish to be perceived as pathetic, a weak link in the team, and so a good reason to be got rid of.  Take positive steps to alleviate the condition, see your doctor, talk about it with trusted family or colleagues and try the above self help steps.  Just don’t suffer in silence!

Bookmark to:

Apparently the NHS here in the UK has a helpline, and a real person at the other end will talk to you about your worries, like redundancy, money problems, job insecurity.  These health advisors will talk about your problems, giving practical advice or pointing you the service that can help you further.

There is help available via financial and debt, employment and mental health services.  Experts will offer advice on your problems, provide self help materials and give supportive feedback.  They help you to understand the nature of your problem and so give you some clarity to help you sort yourself out.

By using this NHS helpline service it will show you how to cope with all the worry and stress, in a practical way.  For those who find themselves in that situation, try it out as it’s a free resource.

You can talk to someone on 0300 123 2000

Coping with stress, depression or anxiety at http://www.nhs.uk

For help with redundancy and managing finances at www.direct.gov.uk

Bookmark to:

There are quite a few self-help therapy systems available today, and in my last post I discussed Neuro-Linguistic Programming, another form of therapy.  I decided to take a look at CBT as it is being used by the National Health Service (NHS) in the UK.  In fact, the National Institute for Clinical Excellence (NICE) has published a report that CBT should be a preferred treatment for mild to moderate depression.

What is CBT?

This is recognizing how our positive and negative thoughts create our emotional state (moods).  CBT can be used to change the negative aspects of your thoughts (cognitive) and what you do, your actions (behavioral).  Therapy means the treatment of that condition.

How can it help?

When we are feeling low or depressed we may be magnifying the problem.  The negative thoughts alter how we are feeling and therefore, what we do, how we physically react to the situation.  You may be suffering from some of these symptoms – low self-esteem, anger issues, panic attacks, anxiety, stress, depression, bulimia.  CBT will help you to break down the problem you are experiencing into smaller parts.  You will be able to see how they are connected and how they affect you.

Getting help

You can help yourself by buying CBT books at any good book store or search Amazon, which holds a number of informative books.  Reading about, recognizing and taking action has been helpful to many people.

In the UK, the NHS operates two computer programs (see your general practitioner to refer you):

1. Fear fighter, for panic and phobia treatment
2. Beating the blues, for depression and anxiety

These can be accessed at home, without the need of great knowledge or expertise on the use of computers.  You can also register with a very helpful free resource Livinglifetothefull.com.

Although not for everyone, CBT has, over the last few years, been accepted by medical authorities around the world as an extremely effective treatment.

Checks out these links to:     Beating The Blues.   Living Life To The Full

Bookmark to:

When you are going through a difficult time in your relationship, you look at your partner from a negative viewpoint.  How frustrated you feel because they won’t budge from their position which is called the ‘self position’.  Try instead to use the ‘other position’ whereby you step into their shoes, see these ‘problems’ from their point of view, and think about how they experience being in a relationship with you.  Seeing yourself from a detached position just might surprise you.  Is it you who is being inflexible?  You will see that the problems will look and feel different to your own perspective, and so gives you more flexibility and understanding in confronting your relationship issues.

What was the original source of the argument?  Maybe your partner has been spending a lot of time on the computer, which makes you frustrated and angry, as they seem to be immersed in their own little world, ignoring you.  Your partner adopts a defensive stance and they, themselves, get angry, with the whole negative atmosphere escalating.

Next time you see your partner at the computer, before it triggers an aggressive response, take a deep breath and visualize anything that immediately provokes happy, positive feelings.  For example, visualize a happy memory of a great holiday or something from your childhood.  This gives you a moment to calm yourself before speaking.  You are approaching them mentally from a different position and will be able to talk to them more rationally.  Ask your partner if you can join them to view the website they are looking at, so you are showing interest in what they are doing.  After a short while, or if your partner is not keen on you joining in (don’t get angry if they say no), suggest that you do something else together like watching a movie on the television, going out for a walk, etc.

Although these are simple self help NLP techniques, there are many issues that can only be remedied by an NLP therapist, who will be able to guide you through your relationship issues.

Google ‘NLP therapists’ to find one close to your location or click the link here.

Bookmark to:

This is my version:  NLP stands for, Neuro-linguistic Programming,

Is the means by which personal change can be achieved by modeling the attitudes and beliefs of those who have achieved success and fulfillment in their lives.

Neuro-Linguistic Programming was created by Dr Richard Bandler and Dr John Grinder in the early 1970s.

Neuro – is how we think, our mental map of the world.  Made up of sounds and images, tastes and smells.

Linguistic – is how we use language to communicate, divided into 3 categories – visual/seeing, auditory/hearing and kinaesthetics, how we feel, by paying close attention to how language is used, we can gain useful insights into how people think.

Programming – we are ‘programmed’ by our experiences in life and our actions are based on this programming.

NLP can change that programming and how we live our lives by changing our behavior patterns.  People experience the world around them through thought, language, feeling and behavior.

What if you studied a successful person by applying NLP techniques?  You could take what you learned and apply it to your life and make positive changes.

NLP has had somewhat of a bad press by the scientific community and mainstream psychology.  They say there is no empirical evidence of what NLP teaches.  That could be true, but NLP is enjoying success when applied to management training and development, life coaching and self help industries.

Although NLP is not recommended for treating mental illness, it is constantly evolving from a self help tool to build confidence, help in personal relationships and change negative fears and beliefs, to using personal profiling to help companies hire the right candidates as well as providing a platform to create a happier workforce.  NLP techniques are even being used to improve sports performance.

The future for NLP – NLP continues to grow at a phenomenal pace.  Check out Amazon.com, there are almost 600 NLP products.  Check the newspapers and magazines, there are courses being run by NLP practitioners in all major cities in the UK.  You could try an NLP ‘taster’ course for free.  Google it and see what comes up.  The great thing is you can have fun learning some useful NLP techniques with like-minded people, and will not be obliged to sign up for a paid course if you don’t want to!

Bookmark to:

There are several sensations we then feel.  We experience butterflies in the stomach, the heart beats faster and breathing rate increases.  All the while we are getting stronger with blood pumping through the body at a faster rate.  We are getting ready to ‘fight or  flight’, this is in response to primitive survival instincts.

In the modern world, daily anxious states might involve getting stuck in rush hour traffic, or waiting at the dentist to have a troublsome tooth pulled.  Although these feelings make us feel uncomfortable, they do not cause prolonged distress.  We can deal with low level stress by taking exercise, talking about problems with those we trust, also listening to music, all these create a feeling of wellbeing.  Anxiety takes on serious proportions when we are constantly in a anxious state, fearful for no apparent reason, this is called general anxiety disorder (GAD).  Approximately one in 4 people will suffer from this distressing condition sometime in their lives.

The symptoms include:

1, Irritable tendencies

2, Headaches

3, Sweating

4, Problems falling asleep

5, Stomach problems

If you are distressed about how bad you are feeling make an appointment to see your doctor.  They will determine if you should be referred to a specialist or provide suitable treatment.

I have included websites here that will help you to learn more:

For the UK,   http://www.anxietyuk.org.uk/

For the USA, http://www.anxiety-usa.org/

For Australia, http://www.anxietyaustralia.com.au/

Bookmark to:

The coaching course started well, with the presenter immediately putting us all at ease.

After coffee and jokes we launched straight into just what a personal life coach does.  Helping to create a plan to take people from where they are now to where they want to be (What they desire in life).  This part surprised me, as someone who dishes out advice on my blog posts and many forums.  Coaches don’t give advice, they listen and draw out from their client, by a simple system, the steps they need to take to achieving their goal in life.

This is a 4 Step Plan:

1, First Recognize Goals

The coach has to help the client to identify what is their specific goal  How will they know when they have achieved it and to build in a time frame.  When they want to achieve it by.

2, Where Are You Now?

What has the client done so far to achieve their goal, also what challenges have been met and overcome.

3, Possibilities

Here you stretch the client into thinking beyond what the client has thought of before. What else could the client do,what if they tried to do it this way or that way?

4, Taking Action

a, What option would be fastest/easiest/preferred?

b, What specific action will the client take and when?

c, What obstacles could stop the client from taking action?

There were then several ‘exercises’ involving interaction between attendees of the course.  It was fun and informative, and no hard sell of products,… yet!

Before lunch mention was made of a dvd we could buy, but it was delivered so low key and in an almost couldn’t care less way!  Were they lulling us into a false sense of security?

The rest of Day One involved further interactive exercises, which everyone in the room participated in with much enthusiasm.  All the while building up value of the event by giving us tips and tricks on being a coach.  At the end of the day we were told what would be in store for us the next day.  They would go into Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP).  This interested me and may more people in the room.  Mmmm, can’t wait!

Day 2 – I had filled out a lot of my notebook on Day One and wondered if I would run out of paper.  I should not have concerned myself!

A new coach was to teach us this morning, but I was disappointed, no mention of NLP, just several stories were related to us to make a certain point.  There was much talk of empowering our beliefs and getting out of our comfort zone.  They were gradually building us up into thinking, yes coaching is an achievable career.

The afternoon session brought us back a trainer from Day One.  NLP was mentioned briefly, but not covered in any detail .  That would be left for a course you would have to pay for.  The rest of the afternoon was spent recognizing what type of coaching would best suit you.

1, Personal coaching

2, Small business coaching

3, Youth coaching

4, Corporate (by business) coaching

We were then treated to the kind of money we could possibly earn.  Everyone in the room perked up.  By just doing a few hours a week, we could earn a very attractive income and if we then went full-time, well the potential earnings were huge.  Appetites were now wetted!

Now came the sell.  The first course price floored me when the trainer smiled and said, without changing her facial expression, about £16,000!  With the other courses dropping down in price considerably.

At this point I had to leave to catch my train. With the content of my wallet still intact, I also had some new knowledge to disseminate. I had bagged some email addresses for possible joint ventures, which was good. If there was a low point, I had developed a painful stomach ache, I guess from eating only burgers for two days.

All-in-all, a good weekend,… now I had just 3 minutes to catch the train, damn that stomach ache!

Bookmark to: