For most people this is a very traumatic event.  The break up not only leaves them emotionally shattered, but if they are the one who have been dumped their confidence and self esteem has also suffered a huge blow.

Many people will put it down to experience and after a few weeks or months of grieving over their loss decide to get back to dating again.  Unaware, or ignoring the fact that there is a pattern here, and so will once more form a relationship that will have an inevitably familiar conclusion.

If you are despondent when yet another relationship hits the rocks, then it’s time to do something to change that destructive cycle by considering undergoing a change yourself.  If you constantly blame the other person, then you could be in denial.  By looking into yourself and identifying the root causes of your relationship failures and correcting them, you stand a good chance of changing the negative pattern for you and your partner’s benefit.

Self Awareness – In undergoing a self analysis (self awareness) exercise you are allowing yourself the possibility that you could be responsible for your relationship failures.  And if you are willing to look into yourself, then you are opening up an opportunity to realistically alter those negative relationship patterns into something more satisfying and lasting for you and your partner.  All this comes with the added benefit of enhancing your confidence and self esteem.

This is a journey which may be personally upsetting and bring up previously suppressed emotional low points in your life.  If you’re ready to accept that, then let’s get you thinking about your relationships history.  Not all relationships are meant to last.  You may have relationships with a good few people before you find the one you want to spend your life with.  Those other ‘temporary’ relationships may just fizzle out naturally.  You need to be concerned if there is a familiar pattern leading up to the relationship break up.  These could be because of unresolved childhood experiences that impact your present relationships.  If you find that the memory of parts of your childhood is extremely upsetting then you may benefit from seeing a professional, like a therapist/counselor to help you through your childhood trauma.

If you are willing to think about your childhood, then how was your relationship with your parents or one particular parent?  Was there continual conflict or some form of abuse that you may think contributes to your attitude and behavior to close relationships?

• has your school/college experiences had a negative effect on you in later years?
• has a past relationship left such a bad effect on your emotions that your subsequent relationships suffer because of it?
• what did you and your partner want out of the relationship when it began?
• do you expect disappointment that any new relationship is bound to fail, which turns out to be a self-fulfilling prophesy?
• what problems, disappointments and frustrations in each relationships are identical?
• what was the tipping point that finally ended the relationship?
• how did you feel after each relationship ended – relief or heartache?
• how does having a caring relationship figure in your life?  Is it important – a necessity, along with your job/career and life goals?
• have you asked yourself why you stay in a relationship until it disintegrates?  Do any relationships end amicably?

Hopefully, some of these questions have got you thinking about any emotional/physical reasons or triggers that cause your relationships to fail.

Several years ago I tried a self awareness exercise because I was constantly beating myself up by thinking that I was just no good in close, caring relationships.  I would spend hours before going to sleep running through my relationship failures.  It was only when I started thinking about my early childhood when I would literally feel my blood pressure rise that I realized I was getting close to what really was still affecting my life and my emotions.

In coming to terms with my early childhood issues, I was able to place distance with those emotions and make them small in my mind.  In visualizing them as insignificant to my present life, I slowly began to feel better about myself.  That there were reasons to why I reacted to some relationships in a destructive way.  In understanding the cause I felt liberated and this feeling greatly improved my self esteem.

If you have a close friend or family member who you trust, then you could try talking through your relationship break ups and they might be able to offer helpful advice from a different perspective.  Many people who experience relationship break ups are quick to blame their ex for the relationship failing.  If you summon up the courage to truly look into yourself, your actions and experiences, even going back to your childhood if you think it will help. If your previous relationship lasted a number of years, then consider not rushing back to dating.  Wait a while, maybe 6 months or even longer, to give you time to grief and get that relationship out of your system.  By going into a new relationship minus much of your emotional baggage from previous relationships you are making a positive move for a fresh start.

When you are able to recognize exactly how and why you play a part in all your relationship failures, you can take steps to change and so stop your pattern of relationship break ups.  You have then altered your destructive relationship patterns for good and the chances for different outcomes to your future relationships are now a definite possibility.

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My unwritten list would have included:

• She’s not dating anyone else
• We get on great, she’s fun to be with
• She’s really into me, caring and attentive
• I trust her with personal information about me
• We enjoy similar tastes in music
• Sex is good
• I think I love her
• We both work
• We spend as much time together as possible
• We don’t fight, and rarely argue
• I’m constantly thinking about her
• Mutual respect
• She’s a good listener
• She’s not over-powering/controlling
• She accepts me for who I am

If all the above points were ticked it would have been good enough reason for committing exclusively. That list essentially drilled down to 7 main reasons I considered important:

1,  Communication – Talking and listening to each other respectfully is at the core of a relationship.  Trying to drag a conversation out of someone all the time might mean they are shy or lack confidence.  Give them time to open up.  It could be no-one has ever really shown genuine interest in them that’s until they met you.  Conversation is a social skill few of us master, but we can all listen attentively.  if you partner appears distant or distracted when you are talking then you may also need to appear distant and walk away.

2,  Compatibility – It’s when you both connect on an emotional, physical and possibly spiritual level.  Some people may confuse this with so call ‘love at first sight’, but discovering compatibility between you takes much more than instant attraction.  Compatibility can build over a period of time.  Many new relationships today are not given time to discover and nurture compatibility, before deciding to move on to someone new because it’s ‘not working out’.  One couple, friends of mine, seemed to always argue a lot about trivialities, I would have said they just were not suited.  This was more than 30 years ago.  They are still together and happy in their marriage.

3,  Shared Interests – On the surface this would not seem important.  If you like sports and your partner doesn’t, it would not seem an issue.  But, exclusively separate interests can inhibit conversation and encourage isolation within the relationship i.e. going to sports events/hobbies without your partner and not been able to discuss the event/interest on an on-going basis.  Planning events and experiences together is important.  If you have short or long-term goals that potentially affect the relationship, like going into business together, or even organizing a holiday, try and include your partner in decisions and sharing ideas.  It makes so much more fun to discuss these plans so that you are both on board.

4, Finances -It would be a great advantage If we both held down reasonably good jobs, it could save possible problems when dating etc. Money issues always bring out the worst in people, jealousy, envy, and resentment.  I always appreciated it when the lady offered to pay towards the meals, movies, etc, when out on a date.  I doesn’t mean I let her pay, but I always respected and appreciated the offer.

5, Trustworthy – Whatever she would tell me about her life, I would never divulge this to anyone else, not even close friends.  Therefore, I would expect the same consideration from her.

I never double-dated.  It wasn’t my style and I did expect her to treat me the same way.  If we say we are spending a lot of our spare time together, I would understand her wanting time with her friends, family, and indulging in her leisure pursuits.  But I would not accept her dating someone else behind my back.  Deliberately keeping it a secret and possibly lying about it would be difficult to forgive.  I realize that people might think it’s ok to date several people before committing to someone, but say so up front, and don’t hide the fact.

6, Respect – Is very much a two-way thing.  If you expect your partner to respect you, you have to earn it by also showing equal respect.  With that point made, my partner should respect me as a person, my beliefs and opinions.  She may not agree at times, but does not denigrate me because of them.  I would expect my partner to respect my choice of friends and acquaintances and only challenge my choices if she thinks someone is behaving in a way that is harmful to me.

7, Sense of Humor – You might initially approach someone because they are attractive, but you warm to someone when they are pleasant and exhibit a sense of humor.  People with a natural sense of humor look at the world, people and life experiences with a lighter touch.  They have a more positive attitude that is highly attractive and also attracts positive vibrations from others.  They can make bad, or negative, events and experiences bearable, or give hope for a better outcome.

To recognize the above qualities in someone as genuine and not false or exaggerated, would have taken me more than 2 or 3 dates.  You might be different.  I still, though, think you should take your time getting to know your partner well before committing to a long-term relationship.  See where both of you stand after the ‘honeymoon’ period comes to an end and your perception of your partner undergoes a change.  For many couples, the honeymoon period, where you look at each other through ‘rose-tinted glasses’ can last from 3 months to a year.  If problems arise in the relationship, how are they resolved?  Is one of you attempting to change or control the other?

Discover every aspect possible about each other through good times and not so good.  Through good times and adversity, you will learn the true character of your potential partner.  Do all this and you are more prepared than most people when choosing your partner.  Of course, there are no guarantees when it comes to relationships.  Your perfect partner could just change their opinion and commitment to you in time.  But, in using your head as well as emotions in your choice of partner, you stand a great chance of making it a great success.

If you have any comments on the above points, please share them here.

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Today is the first day of the rest of your life, so let’s get started:-

1. Moving On – Whatever the reasons for your break up, whether or not it was your fault, you have to work out any anger or resentment that still has power over you.  What you don’t want is any future date having to put up with any bitterness from you about your ex, the break up or even that you still love her.  That’s one way of guaranteeing you won’t see that date again!  Many women complain that men bring a lot of unresolved issues with them when going back to dating.  It could help you if you could talk through those unresolved issues, either with a professional or a good friend, someone who you can trust.  If you can’t face running through those issues with someone, take the time to work them out yourself. You have to let go of the past to successfully move on with your life.  There is no quick fix here, this might take some time resolve, before you start thinking about dating again.
2. Re-invent Yourself – Psychologically it will give your confidence and self-esteem a big boost.  It’s up to you if you think buying a sports car will be a magnet for women, but I was thinking of a complete new wardrobe and a smart haircut.  If you’re going grey, I don’t recommend changing your hair color, unless you can guarantee good and consistent results.  Going grey worried me alot a few years ago, but if it’s ok for Richard Gere, it’s ok for me too.  If your stuck in your ways, lighten up, broaden your horizons and take up a hobby.  If you’re the artistic type then why not try drawing/painting, photography or take up a musical instrument.  If you’re sporty, then join a gym or a sports club.  These are activities that are also excellent opportunities for meeting and interacting with women who share the same interests as you.  This is really good for ‘breaking the ice’ and starting conversations.
3. It’s Not All About You – When you do eventually date someone, make it all about her.  Let her tease out of you what interests and motivates you.  When you are listening and focusing on her it’s so much easier to make conversation flow. She will be impressed with your interest in her, and your modesty about your interests and achievements.  You will certainly make a such favorable impression on her, she’ll be ringing you up for a second date!  Don’t forget, always treat her like a lady, and she’ll always remember you as that gentleman, even if you never see each other again.  So let’s quickly recap:-

• Perform a psychological make-over – work on resolving any issues from the past, that affect you in a negative way and so could impact future relationships.  Accept you are now moving on with your life before you start successfully dating again.
• Have an image make-over, maybe with a great haircut and smart new clothes.  Oh, and make sure you scrub up well so that you look and smell good. It’s the outward sign of a new you, psychologically this make over will work wonders for your confidence.
• Take up an activity in your spare time, hopefully with the opportunity to interact with the opposite sex.  It widens your horizons, opportunities, and your outlook on life.
• Totally focus on your date, by asking questions and listening attentively.  Let her figure out what a great person you really are. One final point, do bring with you on your date, a sense of humor. Don’t force it, and don’t obviously make fun of her. Women do find a sense of humor very attractive. That’s about it it’s now all up to you!

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In the main, shy guys are misunderstood.  Ok they are not loud, brash and do lack overt confidence.  But being the quiet type doesn’t mean they lack passion or the ability to hold an interesting conversation.  Some women may think that they are short on excitement, but they are just slow to get going.  Shy guys can be introverted and enjoy their own company, more than getting out there and forming relationships, which takes them out of their comfort zone.  If you are a shy guy and desperately want to lose your fear of meeting women, or rejection, then you’ve got to come up with an action plan.

1,  Stop negative self talk, you can’t build confidence if you are beating you self up mentally. Check out self help books on the internet, look in Amazon or type in ‘self help advice free pdf’ in Google search.  Or check out your local library which usually stock ‘how to build confidence’ and ‘how to raise self esteem’ books.  When you start changing your thought patterns about yourself, your body language changes too, and you will be amazed how women will respond favorably to you.

2, Observe how men make initial contact with women.  What is their first move?  What is a good chat up line you would be happy to memorize?  Is there a friend who is confident and successful with women, who would be willing to mentor you?  This is a great, fast track way to success with women.  Meeting women is a whole lot easier if you are with a friend or two.  If you approach these times out with friends as a learning exercise only, and so you are not putting pressure and anxiety on yourself to strike up a conversation.  Hey, if a woman does start talking to you, take a deep breath and exhale slowly.  Just answer her questions and ask her what’s her name.  What kind of job she has.  All simple stuff, where you can’t go wrong.  You might stumble over words and feel yourself sinking but remember you are just meeting someone of the opposite sex and there is nothing involving life or death here, so try to relax.

3, Utilize Your Comfort Zone – For shy guys interested in meeting women in bars and clubs, you are possibly raising your level of anxiety and finding little success.  There are environments which favor the confident male.  They thrive in loud, busy places where consuming alcohol should be the great leveler.  Everybody loosens up after a few drinks.  The girls can let go of their inhibitions, and shy guys acquire the courage to try and connect with the opposite sex.  Unless a shy guy has prepared himself well, he will still usually lose out to the confident, outgoing male, who has no trouble in getting up close and whispering, witty, funny stuff to interested females.  Shy guys can, and do, success with meeting interested females by joining a hobby or activity club.  Are you interested or passionate about photography, pottery, painting, swimming, etc?  So are many women, and joining any of these events are great places to meet women.  The pressure and anxiety of meeting women is now lowered considerably.

• You can start conversations easier by introducing yourself and talking about your shared interests.
• The focus of these events has nothing to do with forming relationships, so men and women find it easier to relax and be themselves.
•  You can impress women with your knowledge or expertise.

4, Online Dating – Try online dating even if it’s just to help with your confidence.  Online dating sites can be unforgiving places, but no-one will know but you if you mess up.  This can be just a learning exercise or go into online dating with determination.  Try several free to join sites first, to get your ‘feet wet’.   The secret here is to be totally honest, in an environment that is notorious for being deceitful.  Write an interesting profile of yourself and post an image of you that shows you at your best.  Your contact with women at these sites will usually be via email.  You really should take your time in composing an email response.  Be your natural self and avoid writing in text form language.  You’ll stand out from the crowd if you do.  Always be courteous in your communications and don’t post anything bad about someone even if they have treated you disrespectfully.  If you do meet someone from an online dating site, you hopefully won’t be anyway near your usual shy self as you have gotten to know a little about your date.

5, Sense of humor,  Women are drawn to men who can make them laugh.  It’s an almost magical ingredient in attracting women who will enjoy your company because you make them to feel good.  You don’t have to memorize a hand full of jokes and hope women find you amusing.  What you do is say stuff in a funny way.  Make light of any situation.  Think up some short, interesting and funny things that have happened to you.  Don’t force your humorous efforts, and don’t embarrass them .  Women will soon move away from the unfunny ‘joker’.  Keep it natural and avoid sexual anecdotes.  Some women find it uncomfortable and you don’t want to risk getting slapped in the face!

In Conclusion

I used to be shy.  Well, I’d call it quiet but friendly.  My social skills with the ladies was difficult in those early years of socializing.  But there always was someone of the opposite sex that did show an interest in me.  Even if I could hardly string two sentences together without stumbling over my words.  Many women do like shy guys, no matter what you’ve heard or read.  It’s just a matter of them taking the time to get to know you.

Take the trouble to clean yourself up and dress smart (for the occasion).  A woman will usually forgive your nervousness.  Pay her an honest compliment, and show you have a sense of humor, and you will spark her interest in you.

Over time, your social skills will improve, and so your confidence will grow.  It’s taking that initial step from accepting defeat every time because you’re a shy guy, and doing something positive to turn things round.  OK it’s daunting, but let’s take that first small step forward.  I know it’s a cliche, but remember how do you eat an elephant?  One bite at a time!

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Almost 2 years ago my family and I enjoyed a brief stop over in Las Vegas.  We stayed at a 5 star hotel on the ‘strip’ which was an amazing experience we will never forget.  We had no idea that in a labrinth of tunnels beneath the city, live hundreds of people.  The Panorama program interviewed a couple who had previously enjoyed a good standard of living. From having a home, jobs, and lifestyle. They were now down to just surviving in a dark damp tunnel.  What surprised me was they showed no bitterness in the situation they now found themselves in, just a determination to stay together.

Across America ‘tent cities’ are springing up in secluded forest areas, where people survive with the few possessions they have.  Many in need of some form of medical care which they can’t afford to pay for, so they go without essential treatment.  From the attitude of various officials and politicians on the program, they are all in denial.  The homeless, (according to them) where people are also short of food  is not a big problem in America.  It’s only a temporary situation and on a very small scale.

Many of these displaced people are skilled workers who lost their jobs then their homes, who now survive on handouts from sympathetic individuals and organizations.  All this in the most advanced, prosperous nation on earth. What has happened to the American dream?

So on this Valentines Day when millions of couples express their love for each other, my thoughts are with that couple in a damp tunnel under the bright lights and razzle dazzle of las Vegas.  They are down and out, but not beaten.  They are still together looking out for each other, in hope of better times to come.  It’s all they have.

What has happened to the American dream, please share your thoughts.

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I have to admit, I haven’t bothered with making resolutions since my teen years.  Usually, I would vow to give up something that was easy to do, and didn’t impact on me.  Or I would resolve to be a better person.  It was lacking in detail and I would forget about it by the end of the second week in January.  A few years ago I made a quiet pledge to myself.  My New Year resolution was…. to make a difference to someone’s life!.  Over the following weeks, I expanded my resolution to include making a difference to someone’s day.  This resolution was different, that positive statement ‘to make a difference’ stayed with me, way passed the second week in January to the end of the year, and is still with me today.

Making a difference to someone’s life or day, was still something very easy to do because it need only involve a simple gesture, a friendly smile or assistance with opening a door or helping with a heavy bag.  I would put more change than usual into the charity box, and was more generous with emergency appeals.  Getting agitated with other drivers 5 minutes after jumping into my car was something I accepted for years.  This would be a good resolution to make, and it turned out to be more difficult to change than I first thought!  My agitation stills rears up at times, but I am definitely better than I used to be.

I tried to be more tolerant and understanding in relationships with my family and co-workers.  Taking a mental deep breath and thinking before speaking out really did have a positive effect on others.  That made me feel good and encouraged me to continue with my resolution.

Today, I share an internet business with my wife.  We don’t just sell stuff, we enjoy helping people in their relationships by giving free advice in the form of newsletters, emails and reports.

My New Year resolution all those years ago, has become something that I naturally do without thinking.  When helping others, no matter how small the gesture, has given me a buzz that continues to grow today.  What I discovered for myself is not radical, so many people do much more than me.  But it did change me, and I know, for the better.

I hope I have given some tips to inspire you.  The magic thing about it is, you don’t have to put much effort into it. You get paid back so much more by improving your self respect, and knowing you are appreciated when you can make a difference to someone’s life.  That’s a New Year solution you can keep.  You never know, trying it may well change your life!

Do you have a new year resolution that’s working for you?

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Suffering Man by vegadsl

This was a question posted on a relationship advice forum recently.  What was interesting was that many people who submitted a comment replied that they too felt that, at times, they wondered if they would ever find someone right for them.  Stop that kind of thinking immediately!  The whole marriage/relationship world has changed over the past 20 or 30 years.  We are living longer, useful, healthier lives and even if your relationship fails in your late 30′s, there is still so much opportunity for you to find someone and enjoy a long, successful relationship.  The out-dated stigma of being ‘on the shelf’ from your late thirties is now irrelevant and obsolete.  Women in their late thirties do get upset at passing child rearing age but should also try and come to terms with that situation and move on.  Fortunately, men are able to father children at a much older age, it’s not fair but that’s life.

Starting a new career or relationship in your late thirties is happening for millions of people.  Rid yourself of those emerging negative viewpoints and get on with your life.  Are you putting yourself out there, or just moaning that you won’t find someone at your age?  So let’s check out my

Definition of a Soulmate taken from various sources.  A person with whom you have an immediate, deep, almost telepathic connection with.  This builds over time when either partner can even finish each other’s sentences, and also knows what each other is thinking.  Soulmates will compliment each other perfectly.

Is it realistic that you will find someone who will affect you that way?  It’s doubtful, so why hold out for those almost impossible dreams?  My relationship with my wife certainly did not start out with love at first sight, although you do hear of those occasions when it truly is love at first sight.  We loved, we argued, we were also discovering each other.  Now, more than 20 years later, I truly do feel that we are much closer, and understand each other more deeply, mainly because we have been together for so long.  We are part of an equal, caring relationship, built on mutual respect and trust.  I don’t use the word, but I would call us soulmates!

Find someone who you are compatible with.  They certainly don’t have to be a soulmate or perfect or ‘the one’.  As long as you make each other happy and share the same hopes and dreams.  A deep soulmate connection can develop over time.

Unfortunately, many people today don’t wish to work on a relationship and give it time to grow.  There are relationships that break up over the most trivial of reasons.  Maybe we are more selfish today and if things, or our relationship are not where we feel comfortable with, then instead of working out our problems by effective communication it feels so much easier and with considerably less drama to just walk away from the relationship.

In conclusion, instead of worrying that you may be too old, whether you will ever find your soulmate, write down what characteristics in a mate you feel you would settle for.  Plot you preconceived notions at the back of your mind and then maybe join a local singles club that holds various events throughout the year.  These do cost, but are well regarded.  Or join a free, and a paid, online dating site and explore your options and what site you feel most comfortable with.

Many people find their eventual partners at work or at an evening class.  With a little creative effort you will come up with many possibilities.  Always try and maintain a positive outlook and persona, people are naturally attracted to those who appear confident.  At 38 years old, the world of love and relationships still has much to offer you.  Grab it with both hands.  Who knows what will happen next!

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Some couples tend to withdraw from each other, many others argue constantly about money issues while some people will just walk away from their marriage/ relationship rather than put up any longer with the anxiety of it all.

There is a life line, and it’s within either partner in the marriage/relationship to take the required action.  You must take control of the situation and stop the worry and fear from eating away at your relationship.

1,  Most people are too embarrassed to share their financial woes with others.  Get over this barrier.  If you still have a job talk to your boss/supervisor about your job and what more you can do to maximize your output and value you are giving to your company.

Talk to your mortgage lender, utility provider before there are real problems in paying your bills.  Usually they are willing to come to some sort of settlement/payment plan to take the strain off you.  It’s best to get in touch with them as soon as possible before you default on your payments.

2,  Make real and substantial cut backs to your expenses, those outgoings that are not essential.  For example, meals out, magazine subscriptions, food and drink indulgence, unnecessary trips in your car.  Be creative with your list and you will surprise yourself yourself with the savings you make.

Talk you though your money worries together, because together you are going to work this out.  By sharing the problem and coming up with a plan of action you will reduce your personal stress and anxiety about the future.

3,  Adopt a positive attitude even if your situation seems dire.  You can only function, think, and react with hope for the future by eliminating corrosive negative thoughts and actions.  Your health and well-being will pick up when both of you are in a positive frame of mind.  You could write down all the things you are grateful for in your life and relationships.  Believe that your set backs are temporary.  Life is a series of highs and lows and nobody is exempt from bad things happening to them.

When you can approach your problems as a team, together,  you are naturally stronger.  Approach your problems with a positive attitude and share those problems with others, including family and friends, and those hardships will not feel quite so insurmountable.

Going into 2012 there seems little prospect that the economies of Europe and North America will improve.  Many more jobs will be lost,and companies close in the coming months.  All the more reason for couples to pool their hopes, dreams and resources together, for the benefit of family and the relationship.

Do you know of any more survival tips?

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Checking around on various forums,I found that women are content to let the man be the driving force in their marriage/relationship.  That their man makes most of the decisions about finances and home life.  He is  expected to lead, but only when he has his partner’s best interests at heart.  That’s one thing I can relate to.  My wife is happy for me to take the lead in various aspects of our relationship.  I don’t see it as tipping the balance towards an unequal relationship.  We haven’t been together for almost 25 years without working out a relationship pattern that is equitable to both of us.  But that situation has only come about after disagreements, heartache and soul searching during the first few years of our marriage.  Basically it’s an alignment of views, opinions and beliefs that are accepted by both of us.

If she leads on something, no problem when I do the same it’s ok with her because the base, the foundation of our relationship is built on mutual respect.  I can be thoughtless or inconsiderate, but in no way does it impact on our relationship and she can be infuriating at times, but that’s in the moment, it means nothing, and is never taken to heart.

My wife has earned more than me during most of our relationship.  When she was raising our kids I was amazed by how she juggled so many tasks.  I helped out, but I don’t pretend we were equals then. Even though many men consider that the fact I held down a job was sufficient enough contribution to the ‘relationship’.

Are we equals?  Well, not in the physical sense of course, – but the money, duties, and tasks  we contribute  we do so in the name of our relationship.  We don’t have separate bank accounts.  It’s never been the focus of arguments or resentment, but it is the essence of our relationship.  As stated earlier it’s mutual respect and trust.  In those beliefs we share we can individually be who we want to be, maintaining our boundaries happily within our relationship.

If you have any equality issues within your relationship you would like to share, please post a comment.

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Polyamory relationships, what are they? The word Polyamory comes from the Greek and Latin meaning, ‘many loves’  These are open non possesive relationships that are formed between multiple partners of 3 or more people. I immediately thought that sex must be the driving force in such relationships, wrong.  These are loving, caring, relationships with possibly sex, not as the focal point but actually based on honesty, maturity, and living harmonious lives within a supportive group.  According to the Human Truth website;  ‘Accept that people are not attracted to you only.  Accept that you are not perfect in the eyes of your partner,and that you must be honest, then you can be poly.’

Polyamorists tend to view monogamous relationships as flawed, and these relationships that do seem to work are not through compatibility, but through habit.  In a polyamorous relationship ‘real’ love and affection develops and grows within a group of people.  All this sounds good in theory but can it be sustained for any length of time in practice without continued effort from everyone in the group.  We humans are a lazy race, we tend to always take the easy route in anything that requires work.  But from reading many posts on polyamory relationships they are thriving around the world.

As with all types of relationships, there are problems that do frequently come up, coping with jealousy within the group is an obvious one.  That particular ‘Green eyed monster’ is responsible for many unhappy monogamous relationships.  It seems obvious that it would be an issue in relationships involving 3 or more people.

The biggest problem though turns out to be ‘time management’.  People involved in these groups find it very difficult to find sufficient time with each partner, to develop a satisfactory relationship.  Polyamorists also find it stressful to even admit to family, friends and co workers that are involved in multi partner relationships because of disapproving, or even hostile opinions of their lifestyle.  One person on a forum was even called a ‘whore’ when she decided to ‘come out’ and admit to belonging to a polyamorous group.

They support each others relationship within the group, there are no secret trysts here.  With jealousy,  the individual is expected to deal with it.  but will also receive help in the group to get over the problem.  There is a plus side, sex with multiple partners does spice up relationships, giving ample opportunity for experimentation.

In conclusion I see nothing morally wrong with any kind of relationship if it hurts no one. I have not read anything to date on the effects on children who are part of polyamory relationships.

Monogamous relationships are hard enough work and in North America and the UK 50% of  marriages will fail.  If polyamory relationships genuinely work out for everyone involved then whats wrong with that.  People that live alternative successful lifestyles should be able to, without being treated with disgust and vilified by their peers, friends and family.

That’s unless you think different, or have you suffered discrimination?   Please send in your viewpoint.

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