I have to admit, I haven’t bothered with making resolutions since my teen years.  Usually, I would vow to give up something that was easy to do, and didn’t impact on me.  Or I would resolve to be a better person.  It was lacking in detail and I would forget about it by the end of the second week in January.  A few years ago I made a quiet pledge to myself.  My New Year resolution was…. to make a difference to someone’s life!.  Over the following weeks, I expanded my resolution to include making a difference to someone’s day.  This resolution was different, that positive statement ‘to make a difference’ stayed with me, way passed the second week in January to the end of the year, and is still with me today.

Making a difference to someone’s life or day, was still something very easy to do because it need only involve a simple gesture, a friendly smile or assistance with opening a door or helping with a heavy bag.  I would put more change than usual into the charity box, and was more generous with emergency appeals.  Getting agitated with other drivers 5 minutes after jumping into my car was something I accepted for years.  This would be a good resolution to make, and it turned out to be more difficult to change than I first thought!  My agitation stills rears up at times, but I am definitely better than I used to be.

I tried to be more tolerant and understanding in relationships with my family and co-workers.  Taking a mental deep breath and thinking before speaking out really did have a positive effect on others.  That made me feel good and encouraged me to continue with my resolution.

Today, I share an internet business with my wife.  We don’t just sell stuff, we enjoy helping people in their relationships by giving free advice in the form of newsletters, emails and reports.

My New Year resolution all those years ago, has become something that I naturally do without thinking.  When helping others, no matter how small the gesture, has given me a buzz that continues to grow today.  What I discovered for myself is not radical, so many people do much more than me.  But it did change me, and I know, for the better.

I hope I have given some tips to inspire you.  The magic thing about it is, you don’t have to put much effort into it. You get paid back so much more by improving your self respect, and knowing you are appreciated when you can make a difference to someone’s life.  That’s a New Year solution you can keep.  You never know, trying it may well change your life!

Do you have a new year resolution that’s working for you?

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Suffering Man by vegadsl

This was a question posted on a relationship advice forum recently.  What was interesting was that many people who submitted a comment replied that they too felt that, at times, they wondered if they would ever find someone right for them.  Stop that kind of thinking immediately!  The whole marriage/relationship world has changed over the past 20 or 30 years.  We are living longer, useful, healthier lives and even if your relationship fails in your late 30′s, there is still so much opportunity for you to find someone and enjoy a long, successful relationship.  The out-dated stigma of being ‘on the shelf’ from your late thirties is now irrelevant and obsolete.  Women in their late thirties do get upset at passing child rearing age but should also try and come to terms with that situation and move on.  Fortunately, men are able to father children at a much older age, it’s not fair but that’s life.

Starting a new career or relationship in your late thirties is happening for millions of people.  Rid yourself of those emerging negative viewpoints and get on with your life.  Are you putting yourself out there, or just moaning that you won’t find someone at your age?  So let’s check out my

Definition of a Soulmate taken from various sources.  A person with whom you have an immediate, deep, almost telepathic connection with.  This builds over time when either partner can even finish each other’s sentences, and also knows what each other is thinking.  Soulmates will compliment each other perfectly.

Is it realistic that you will find someone who will affect you that way?  It’s doubtful, so why hold out for those almost impossible dreams?  My relationship with my wife certainly did not start out with love at first sight, although you do hear of those occasions when it truly is love at first sight.  We loved, we argued, we were also discovering each other.  Now, more than 20 years later, I truly do feel that we are much closer, and understand each other more deeply, mainly because we have been together for so long.  We are part of an equal, caring relationship, built on mutual respect and trust.  I don’t use the word, but I would call us soulmates!

Find someone who you are compatible with.  They certainly don’t have to be a soulmate or perfect or ‘the one’.  As long as you make each other happy and share the same hopes and dreams.  A deep soulmate connection can develop over time.

Unfortunately, many people today don’t wish to work on a relationship and give it time to grow.  There are relationships that break up over the most trivial of reasons.  Maybe we are more selfish today and if things, or our relationship are not where we feel comfortable with, then instead of working out our problems by effective communication it feels so much easier and with considerably less drama to just walk away from the relationship.

In conclusion, instead of worrying that you may be too old, whether you will ever find your soulmate, write down what characteristics in a mate you feel you would settle for.  Plot you preconceived notions at the back of your mind and then maybe join a local singles club that holds various events throughout the year.  These do cost, but are well regarded.  Or join a free, and a paid, online dating site and explore your options and what site you feel most comfortable with.

Many people find their eventual partners at work or at an evening class.  With a little creative effort you will come up with many possibilities.  Always try and maintain a positive outlook and persona, people are naturally attracted to those who appear confident.  At 38 years old, the world of love and relationships still has much to offer you.  Grab it with both hands.  Who knows what will happen next!

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Some couples tend to withdraw from each other, many others argue constantly about money issues while some people will just walk away from their marriage/ relationship rather than put up any longer with the anxiety of it all.

There is a life line, and it’s within either partner in the marriage/relationship to take the required action.  You must take control of the situation and stop the worry and fear from eating away at your relationship.

1,  Most people are too embarrassed to share their financial woes with others.  Get over this barrier.  If you still have a job talk to your boss/supervisor about your job and what more you can do to maximize your output and value you are giving to your company.

Talk to your mortgage lender, utility provider before there are real problems in paying your bills.  Usually they are willing to come to some sort of settlement/payment plan to take the strain off you.  It’s best to get in touch with them as soon as possible before you default on your payments.

2,  Make real and substantial cut backs to your expenses, those outgoings that are not essential.  For example, meals out, magazine subscriptions, food and drink indulgence, unnecessary trips in your car.  Be creative with your list and you will surprise yourself yourself with the savings you make.

Talk you though your money worries together, because together you are going to work this out.  By sharing the problem and coming up with a plan of action you will reduce your personal stress and anxiety about the future.

3,  Adopt a positive attitude even if your situation seems dire.  You can only function, think, and react with hope for the future by eliminating corrosive negative thoughts and actions.  Your health and well-being will pick up when both of you are in a positive frame of mind.  You could write down all the things you are grateful for in your life and relationships.  Believe that your set backs are temporary.  Life is a series of highs and lows and nobody is exempt from bad things happening to them.

When you can approach your problems as a team, together,  you are naturally stronger.  Approach your problems with a positive attitude and share those problems with others, including family and friends, and those hardships will not feel quite so insurmountable.

Going into 2012 there seems little prospect that the economies of Europe and North America will improve.  Many more jobs will be lost,and companies close in the coming months.  All the more reason for couples to pool their hopes, dreams and resources together, for the benefit of family and the relationship.

Do you know of any more survival tips?

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Checking around on various forums,I found that women are content to let the man be the driving force in their marriage/relationship.  That their man makes most of the decisions about finances and home life.  He is  expected to lead, but only when he has his partner’s best interests at heart.  That’s one thing I can relate to.  My wife is happy for me to take the lead in various aspects of our relationship.  I don’t see it as tipping the balance towards an unequal relationship.  We haven’t been together for almost 25 years without working out a relationship pattern that is equitable to both of us.  But that situation has only come about after disagreements, heartache and soul searching during the first few years of our marriage.  Basically it’s an alignment of views, opinions and beliefs that are accepted by both of us.

If she leads on something, no problem when I do the same it’s ok with her because the base, the foundation of our relationship is built on mutual respect.  I can be thoughtless or inconsiderate, but in no way does it impact on our relationship and she can be infuriating at times, but that’s in the moment, it means nothing, and is never taken to heart.

My wife has earned more than me during most of our relationship.  When she was raising our kids I was amazed by how she juggled so many tasks.  I helped out, but I don’t pretend we were equals then. Even though many men consider that the fact I held down a job was sufficient enough contribution to the ‘relationship’.

Are we equals?  Well, not in the physical sense of course, – but the money, duties, and tasks  we contribute  we do so in the name of our relationship.  We don’t have separate bank accounts.  It’s never been the focus of arguments or resentment, but it is the essence of our relationship.  As stated earlier it’s mutual respect and trust.  In those beliefs we share we can individually be who we want to be, maintaining our boundaries happily within our relationship.

If you have any equality issues within your relationship you would like to share, please post a comment.

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Polyamory relationships, what are they? The word Polyamory comes from the Greek and Latin meaning, ‘many loves’  These are open non possesive relationships that are formed between multiple partners of 3 or more people. I immediately thought that sex must be the driving force in such relationships, wrong.  These are loving, caring, relationships with possibly sex, not as the focal point but actually based on honesty, maturity, and living harmonious lives within a supportive group.  According to the Human Truth website;  ‘Accept that people are not attracted to you only.  Accept that you are not perfect in the eyes of your partner,and that you must be honest, then you can be poly.’

Polyamorists tend to view monogamous relationships as flawed, and these relationships that do seem to work are not through compatibility, but through habit.  In a polyamorous relationship ‘real’ love and affection develops and grows within a group of people.  All this sounds good in theory but can it be sustained for any length of time in practice without continued effort from everyone in the group.  We humans are a lazy race, we tend to always take the easy route in anything that requires work.  But from reading many posts on polyamory relationships they are thriving around the world.

As with all types of relationships, there are problems that do frequently come up, coping with jealousy within the group is an obvious one.  That particular ‘Green eyed monster’ is responsible for many unhappy monogamous relationships.  It seems obvious that it would be an issue in relationships involving 3 or more people.

The biggest problem though turns out to be ‘time management’.  People involved in these groups find it very difficult to find sufficient time with each partner, to develop a satisfactory relationship.  Polyamorists also find it stressful to even admit to family, friends and co workers that are involved in multi partner relationships because of disapproving, or even hostile opinions of their lifestyle.  One person on a forum was even called a ‘whore’ when she decided to ‘come out’ and admit to belonging to a polyamorous group.

They support each others relationship within the group, there are no secret trysts here.  With jealousy,  the individual is expected to deal with it.  but will also receive help in the group to get over the problem.  There is a plus side, sex with multiple partners does spice up relationships, giving ample opportunity for experimentation.

In conclusion I see nothing morally wrong with any kind of relationship if it hurts no one. I have not read anything to date on the effects on children who are part of polyamory relationships.

Monogamous relationships are hard enough work and in North America and the UK 50% of  marriages will fail.  If polyamory relationships genuinely work out for everyone involved then whats wrong with that.  People that live alternative successful lifestyles should be able to, without being treated with disgust and vilified by their peers, friends and family.

That’s unless you think different, or have you suffered discrimination?   Please send in your viewpoint.

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No matter how bad you are feeling your initial reaction could possibly be to withdraw from contact with family and friends.  For your family’s sake and your own well-being you can’t just hide under the sheets and refuse to get out of bed.  You have children or a baby to look after as well as your health and well-being.

If your husband/partner have walked out on the relationship it can feel as if your whole world has disintegrated.  Your mind is a jumble of thoughts from which it is difficult to think about even one thing you have to do, or arrange.  The initial few days after a break up are critical for the newly single mom.  There are those that choose to shut themselves, and their family, off from friends and relations.  Some of the reasons are that they are afraid they will be judged by the failure of their relationship.

If you find yourself in as similar position, accept help from others.  There are those who want to help you, if only you will let them.

1,  Assemble a support group.  No one is going to think of you are weak and needy.  Ask those who you trust if you need help with school runs, food shopping or even looking after your family for a few hours.  Don’t be too proud, your family won’t understand your reasons if you refuse help.

2,  Have belief in yourself.  In the first few days and weeks after a relationship break up you will feel you just can’t cope, but things do get better and you will grow stronger.  You only need to check out a few relationship forums and find this particular topic.  The sheer number of single parents who have been in your shoes and have turned their lives around for the better.

Relationship Advice Forums:

• www.asktheloveforum.com
• www.thelovelogic.com
• www.loveshack.org

3,  Start a journal.  When you are feeling a little better why not consider starting a journal.  There is a growing list of professionals, psychologists and counselors, who believe writing about your life, after a break up, can be very beneficial, which has been found to work for the majority of people.  Remember your journal is for your eyes only.  Write about how you feel, what is going on in your mind.  Find a comfortable quiet place and for the next few days write continuously for 15-20 minutes every day.  Your deepest, emotional thoughts.  If, as you write, you feel you are getting angry or tearful, stop writing, walk away and put some music on.  Do anything to break that emotional reaction.  But if you can continue writing, you might just find that it helps you to feel better with any negative feelings receding.   This form of expressive writing can also help to reduce depressive and other anxiety-related issues in the weeks and months after the initial 3 to 4 day writing exercise.

4,  Don’t feel tempted to include your older children as part of your support group.  Some children will try and manipulate the relationship break up for their own purposes.  It’s altogether a difficult situation if you are involving children in your emotional turmoil, while possibly venting about your ex.

You will be in a better place a year from now.  You will also surprise yourself with the discovery of your inner resources.  The determination to overcome seeming overwhelming difficulties.  It’s in the female make up/psyche to be a survivor, and you will get over what may seem like insurmountable  obstacles and difficulties in time.

Do you have any opinions about this article you would like to share?

Please comment

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There will be times when you are frustrated and disappointed, but with perseverance ( as with anything worth striving for) and a bit of luck, you will eventually find someone just right for you.  A dating site, or online dating site, are nothing more than a means of introduction, you have to put in the effort to get results.

First off you might try and find out if there are any singles clubs operating in your area.  It’s a very quick way of meeting single people, just like you, at an organized event.  Most of these sites will match your profile details and give you a list of potential people to date.

I joined a local singles club many years ago, and was very impressed with their attitude and knowledge of the dating scene.  This helped me feel totally at ease when my self-esteem and confidence were low.  True love can be found on online dating sites if you believe the statistics that Match.com and eHarmony put out. There are thousands of couples who say they have formed relationships because of connections made on these sites.These are dating sites that charge a fee to use their services, approximately $29.95 per month.  If you Google both of these sites you will find plenty of detractors as well as positive comments found on forums and blog sites.  Many of the negative comments have to do with the administrative side of the business, where people find they continue to pay for membership after they have cancelled etc. But there’s no arguing that of those people who join these sites, a high percentage do manage to form lasting relationships, and even get married.

Many of these paid membership sites offer good quality advice and tips about dating and relationships, as well as compatibility matches, which narrow down those who share similar interests and desires.  There are also a high number of free to join dating sites.  One of the most popular being ‘Plenty of Fish’ , which does have an online ‘chemistry predictor’ (compatibility matching).  Their own website boasts more than 245 million monthly visitors and claim to be the market leader in online dating sites.

In checking out free to join dating sites, many comments were about the huge number of false dating profiles that occupy Plenty of Fish, etc.  I don’t think you can get away from people making up stories about themselves, or providing pictures that were taken when they were much younger.  If you though approach all forms of dating sites with open eyes and an acceptance that you might come up against fantasists and other assorted undesirables, and those that will just ignore your email requests.  The thing is, don’t exaggerate and make up stuff about you, to make yourself appear most interesting and desirable.  Have a recent flattering picture of yourself on your witty, informative and totally honest profile.  Stand out from the crowd and show some class.  Treat everyone you come into contact with, with the same respect you would expect.

With a truthful profile you know that when someone does contact you they were attracted to something about you that is genuine.  You can then only hope your contacts are equally truthful with you.

What I have noticed on many dating sites, that run a forum or blog, is that there are many people who have experienced set backs and disappointment in their online, and offline, dating journey.  But they carry on trying, ever hopeful and optimistic that there really is someone out there  just for waiting  them,   Just ask our friend!

Have you found true love on dating sites?   Please leave a comment.

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• Always complaining, nagging
• Lack of sex
• Lazy
• Uncaring
• Incompatible
• Infidelity
• Financial issues

From other research I conducted, I found that a high percentage of men who submitted such a list used the above points as justification for having an affair by portraying themselves as the victim.

There are many broken families where the wife is made to question her own sanity because her husband with whom she shared what she thought was a happy relationship blames her for pushing him into the arms of another woman.  He also is most likely feeling guilty for starting an affair and possibly breaking up his family.  It is therefore easier on his conscious by moving the blame from himself to his wife  who is then left devastated, leaving deep emotional scars.

1, Sex is listed by most men as the No. 1 reason for all relationship/marriage break ups usually involving infidelity, and the wife or partner’s lack of interest in sex.  Sex is important to men throughout their adult life and many do not understand when a woman shows reduced interest. Rather than finding out the underlying cause of the problem they take the apparent rejection personally.

There are though, many couples who are part of a loving, happy relationship, which is maintained without the necessity of physical intimacy.  When a woman has an affair, which she admits to, very few men are able to forgive her.  It hurts them deeply that she has given herself to someone else.  Divorce and separation is the usual outcome in these situations.

Perhaps the biggest reason a man will abandon his partner is because he’s found someone else.  The break up could involved children and usually the marriage/relationship breakdown is very messy.  In many of these situations he feels guilty about breaking up the family and genuinely wishes he didn’t pass on the ensuing pain and bewilderment to his children.

Men are often flattered by another woman showing them interest and attention, which may start out innocently enough with mutual flirtation, but eventually progresses into a full-blown affair.  Secretive and exciting, the affair is a massive boost to their ego by having a lover and a wife.

2, Some relationships aren’t meant to last.  Aside from religious considerations where some faiths insist married couples stay together until ‘death us do part’.  The reality of the situation is that some couples should not stay together.

We all change in varying degrees throughout our lives and therefore, our feelings for our partner can change dramatically over time.  Some relationships naturally run their course and couples only end up staying together for financial or family reasons. In this situation separation is the better solution rather than spending many more years in a miserable dead relationship, leading to possible depression.

A nagging, controlling woman, who bullies her partner, is a reason many men will leave their partner.  These men will suffer in silence for many years before finally separating.  Even then, they are too embarrassed to admit it was their partner’s bullying and sometimes violent treatment of them that forced them to move away.

3, Financial problems, are a big factor in relationship breakdown.  Having enough income to enjoy life within a relationship is a necessity.  A relationship struggles to function harmoniously without it.  The resulting stress leads to frequent arguments,putting tremendous strain on the relationship.  Couples should be working together to come up with actionable short term solutions to their money worries. Unfortunately it’s at crucial times like this that relationships built on weak foundations are exposed.

In situations where the couple are also partners in a business, when these fail the whole relationship tends to collapse.  Men can be so clinical in their assessment of the best course of action and walking away from their partner, home and business is deemed an easier option than struggling through their problems and working on a solution together.

The results of a recent study of old age couples questioned them on their secrets of a long marriage. It found that the majority of men said the secret was having a patient wife.  The women responded by saying  having to put up with a lot of BS from their husbands by overlooking ‘a lot of things’. And so focused instead on keeping the family together.  In other words, men realize women have to put up with a heck of a lot from them in a relationship, is it because men tend to be more controlling and self-centered?  Whereas women look to keeping the whole family unit functioning , in order to survive.

The overall impression I got from the forum replies was that men care more about their own happiness than trying to maintain a family/relationship.

What are your thoughts?

Please leave a comment.

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Many of us take criticism and rejection badly, whether it’s from friends or your boss at work.  You feel it’s personal and this is compounded when dumped by someone that you share an emotional bond.  You will most likely have tried to get your ex back with you, but have experienced continued rejection and possibly the anger of your ex by showing desperate means to get them back.

There are several ways that can help you recover more quickly and so move on with your life.  You may feel a whole range of emotions; disbelief, anger, self pity and depression.  You should allow yourself time to grieve, don’t fight the emotional trauma you are experiencing if you cry, especially if you’re a man, don’t hold back, let it out.  It’s a process you are going through, don’t deny it.

Only you will recognize the moment has come for you to move on with your life.  Neither your friends and family’s soothing words will really help you arrive at that decision.  Take something positive from your time with your ex.  If you learn from the mistakes made you will be a better person for it.

It’s not a good idea to go immediately back into dating someone.  You first need to fix yourself.  In my own experience, and many others I have spoken to, have felt the need to give themselves a make-over.  Join a gym, take up a hobby, buy some new clothes.  All this helps towards the healing process.

Make Daily Affirmations – Do affirmations work?  Yes, without a doubt.  If making affirmations are good enough for Rory McIlroy, the recent winner of the US Open Golf Tournament, and other successful sports men and women, why not give it a try.  Come up with a memorable phrase, such as:

A, Every day and if every way I am getting better.

B, I’m going to have an amazing day today!

Repeat an affirmation often, when relaxed last thing at night and first thing in the morning.  Say them out loud, in front of a mirror for added effect.  The secret is to believe that saying them will have a beneficial effect on you.  If you can, try hard to repeat your affirmations every day for several weeks.  You should notice a positive difference.

Surround yourself with positive people.  Don’t listen to those who constantly say bad things of your ex.  Some may encourage you to take revenge.  These people’s ‘best intentions’ do not help you to recover.  They only serve to stoke up bad feelings, anger and resentment.  Mix with those people who, although they understand what happened to your relationship, offer only constructive help that actually helps you to move on with your life.  Even better, socialize with those who have no knowledge or wish to talk about your broken relationship.  You are with them because of a shared interest or hobby.  Putting yourself out there again with amenable people around you will do wonders for your self esteem and well-being.

Picking yourself up after being dumped may take some time, but when you allow yourself to grieve then take stock of your life and embrace renewal, you will be able to move on with your life with confidence.

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Beautiful People.Com advertises itself as a site for creating personal and professional relationships.  To become a member applicants need to be voted in by existing members of the opposite sex.  Those voting members have 48 hours to decide if they find the applicant beautiful or not.  If enough members cast a yes vote those ‘lucky’ applicants are granted membership to that elite group of people.

With over 700,000 members worldwide only 1 in 7 applications are successful.  To submit your application you must include a picture (duh!), your height, weight and zodiac sign.

There have been claims that all this has been a publicity stunt, but last January the site banned 5,000 of it’s own members for putting on too much weight over the Christmas period!  How did they know?  Had they positioned a webcam in every member’s home?

My personal viewpoint about this site is unimportant, cyberspace has many sites that have extreme views and prejudices. There should be room on the internet for everybody to have a voice, and unfortunately some of these do turn out to be very unpleasant.

Consider the high number of altered/false pictures which are a continuing problem with traditional dating sites.  I can only imagine the anguish and frantic digital airbrushing going on when applying to join this particular site.

It has been interesting to read many forum posts about this story.  People are actually posting their views on how beautiful or ugly different nations are.  Just for the record us Brits and Germans don’t come out of this well.  Beautiful People.Com agrees with the majority of forum comments, as the highest percentage of rejects come from these nations.  Sweden and Norway come top of those nations considered the most beautiful and attractive followed by France and Brazil.

Now I know that if you factored in a sense of humor into the equation, those figures would change immediately.  Also add in an arrogance and civility scale  and you’d end up with a very different picture.

If decisions about say, getting a job or buying a house, were based solely on looks, the majority of people would be unemployable and living rough.

I am starting up a dating resource and information blog later this year and I will make a point of providing helpful advice to those people who consider themselves physically disadvantaged in some way.  I will also consider including  beautiful people when providing helpful advice, I would hate to be accused of discriminating against them!

If you consider yourself ugly, overweight or even beautiful you are welcome to leave a comment.

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