I want to focus on a abusive relationship from the perspective of an abuser.  Maybe you are one, or you suspect someone you know who is.

An abuser needs to control their partner or loved ones, and abuse in a relationship happens in several ways:

Physical Abuse (abuser has anger issues) – pushing, hitting, kicking or forcing sex on an unwilling partner.

Emotional/Mental Abuse (abuser has self esteem issues) – just as terrifying for the victim as physical abuse, such as humiliation, name calling, blaming.

As an abuser you will seek to blame your partner for your problems.  You will set them up, where they will seem to have ‘wronged’ you, then feel you have justification for abuse.  After the abuse has taken place you will feel guilty or anxious about the possibility of being found out over your actions.  So you try and win them round by being nice, acting as if nothing has happened, that is until the next time.  As you will be planning how to set your partner up  so you can abuse them again.  So it becomes a self perpetuating cycle of planning, abuse, guilt, and normal behaviour.

What of the effects your abusive actions are having on your partner?  Are they so scared they dare not say a word out of place?  Do they cower when you walk into the room?   I am not just writing about men abusing women, but the opposite is also true.  But due to social stigma, you hardly ever hear of the abuse women can, and do, met out against men.

It may need your partner to leave you (and take your children, if there are any in the relationship) for you to realise that you have done wrong and have to change.  Yes, you do seem normal and a respected member of the community.  It’s when you get behind closed doors that the abuser in you shows itself.

It would need you to admit you need help, that would be a great step forward.  It would probably be a long, hard road of many months of therapy.  It’s difficult, but can be achieved.  You might regress at times, but if your partner sees you are making a real effort to stop the abuse, they might stick with you, as you try to change.  I have read several posts from ex abusers, who say it’s possible to be cured.

Your problem may stem from when you were a child.  Maybe you were abused, or regularly witnessed abuse growing up.  Therapy will help give the answers to why you act the way you do towards your partner.  It will also set you on the way to recovery.  If it’s not too late!