I Have Stopped Loving My Husband

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0010030108O 565x849 150x150 I Have Stopped Loving My HusbandI recently had emails from two female subscribers, they had stopped loving their husbands and were requesting advice.  I get quite a few emails from men and women who have waited to get Christmas out of the way before deciding on calling time on their marriage/relationship.  One of the women is desperate to leave the home she shares with her husband but can’t see how she would manage on her own.  The other woman is pressing ahead with plans for a new life and she’s looking forward to the change it will bring to her life, although she feels uneasy about this massive decision.

Both women however, told their husbands that they had stopped loving them.  The decision to confront their spouses only being taken when some trivial incident or event triggered their breaking point.  Each woman related that their husband’s first reaction was one of shock and disbelief.  If these men had only listened and opened their eyes they would have tried to find out what was worrying their wives.

One lady said that she had felt depressed in her marriage for three or four years. The anguish she felt about the state of her relationship with her husband had made her that ill.  Dr Eugene Mead (Journal of Marital and Family Therapy; July 2022 vol. 28, No 3, 299-314) said that January is traditionally the month with the biggest divorce rates.

Other aspects of the downward spiral in one of the relationships was that conversation had dried up long ago and now consisted of a brief discussion of the working day each morning over breakfast.  Intimacy had ceased being part of either couples’ lives, especially for the one  with young children.

Both had, for several years, tried to manage their problems rather than deal with the causes and now they had reached a crossroads and trying for a resolution was no longer an option.  In each case the husbands had failed to notice that anything was wrong with their marriages.  I can relate to that because of my own experiences many years ago.  I had noticed my wife becoming cool towards me, but I did not want to probe her about it.  I didn’t want any confrontation, thought it was nothing and it would blow over.  It didn’t blow over but developed slowly over a period of several months.  My response was to keep quiet and occasionally ask ‘Is everything ok?”

That’s the thing about men, we only want a quiet life.  Our spouses are emotional creatures and they do get upset about stuff easily, don’t they?  At that time I had failed to notice or wish to deal with issues obviously troubling my wife.  The eventual outcome was that my wife had an affair.  Although we did get back together again it began a long period of re-adjustment, discovery and heartache.

These two ladies, who say they no longer love their husbands have, at the time of writing this post, separated from their husbands.

So for all the men out there who are complacent about their marriages/relationships, take a step back and be aware that your partner just might be bottling up their anger/disappointment in the marriage/relationship, waiting for the moment to walk out on you.  Of course some of you will think that she wouldn’t possibly leave you.  After all, where would she go?  Women are a lot stronger and single-minded than given credit for – more than 80% of divorces are petitioned by women!

Relationship Checklist

  • Take a moment to run through your relationship in your mind.  Are you controlling, intimidating or abusive?
  • Does the relationship revolve around you and your interests?
  • When was the last time you went out together for a meal, see a show, or share any leisure time together?
  • Do you spend most evening away from home ‘on business’ or leisure activities?
  • When did you last actually listen to your partner or ask for an opinion?
  • Do you do your fair share of household duties?
  • Does winding down after work mean relaxing, drinking, watching TV by yourself?

If some of the above points sound like you then it’s time to resuscitate your lifeless relationship before it’s too late.

Relationship Reviver Checklist

  1. Put yourself in your partner’s shoes and imagine what it’s like living with you.
  2. Redefine your relationship, devote time to focus on your wife/partner.
  3. Ask her about her day.  What can you do to give her a break from her daily routine?  Could you offer offer to share the home chores?
  4. Tell her and show her you care about her.  Take her out for a meal.  Buy her flowers even though it’s not her birthday!  Just do something that she will appreciate.
  5. Make an effort to reconnect by conversing with her, just like you did when you were building your relationship.

In Conclusion

There are many other things you can do to make your wife/partner feel valued.  Taking that first step in examining where you might be failing in her eyes is a start.  Be sincere and make lasting changes and you never know she just might come to the realization that she would be mad to leave such a caring, wonderful, loving husband.

To find out more on this topic click this link: Click here

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‘The Secrets To Having A Great Relationship, But Don’t Read This If…..’

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0010021341N 565x849 150x150 The Secrets To Having A Great Relationship, But Dont Read This If.....Don’t read this if you expect a bullet point list giving you a defined blueprint for how to have a great relationship.  What you personally expect and what will make you and your partner happy and content will vary with each and every other couple.  Every relationship and every couple are unique, with their own special circumstances.  What I will give you are clear pointers that have worked very well for the vast majority of happy relationships, so let’s get stuck in.

Anthony Robbins, motivational speaker/self help guru, once said “I’ve come to believe that all my past failure and frustration were actually laying the foundation for the understandings that have created the new level of living I now enjoy.”  I can wholly relate to this as the relationship advice I give comes from my own experiences of relationship failures in the past.  From those experiences I came up with 8 relationship foundation blocks.  These 8 traits are present in varying degrees in most successful relationships.

The Secrets To Having A great Relationship,

  1. Effective communication:  You converse with your partner on an equitable basis without threat or intimidation and you listen and respect their point of view.   You might not agree with each other but actually listening to what your partner is saying to you is something many people lose the skill for as the relationship develops.  Taking each other for granted creeps up on couples as the relationship settles down to a form of routine.
  2. Compatibility:  The ability to get on with each other in a harmonious environment is paramount. Compatibility is not just sexual it’s also a meeting of minds where there is mutual agreement on issues that impact each partner. I think It’s also important that the individual spirit can be allowed to thrive freely in a relationship without fear or ridicule.
  3. Intimacy:  Although mentioned in the compatibility section, interest and willingness to have sex/make love with your partner, is a fundamental requirement for most couples.  When a couple enjoy intimacy together and pleasure in being in each others company this forms a deep and mutually satisfying relationship.  Sex in these circumstances really is “Good for the soul”.
  4. Aspirations:  If a couple does not have shared goals it’s a stagnant relationship, not growing or functioning as a team.  A shared goal does not have to mean some grand plan to develop a business together.  It can be simply planning a vacation together or any future event that impacts in some way on the couple.  If the relationship is in trouble then together you would possibly take steps to correct the problem.  There is something exciting about having a shared goal.  Each partner is contributing in some way to moving a step closer to achieving that goal.  If something does go wrong with the ‘goal’, working out a strategy to fix the problem together can help create an even deeper connection between each partner.
  5. Mutual respect:  This is so important.  When you show your partner respect you value them as an equal.  Your partner appreciates you and reciprocates by respecting you.  Show respect by your everyday actions.  That you value your partner’s opinions, dreams and beliefs.  Respect is always earned and cannot be forced on your partner to comply.  A lack of respect in a relationship breeds contempt and loathing and these extremes of negative emotions always have a downward effect, which is hard to reverse if not dealt with properly.
  6. Trust:  When you trust each other within a relationship you share a powerful, invisible bond.  You trust your partner in many ways.  To take care of you.  To be faithful to you and not disrespect you by negative comments about you to others.  A lack of trust in a relationship is corrosive, it can bring on jealousy, the aptly named ‘green eyed monster’.  Although jealousy could signal poor self esteem and confidence it also leaves the victim bewildered and possibly fearful.  Apart from trying to reassure the jealous person, professional counseling in extreme cases may be an alternative solution.
  7. Finding the middle ground:  When starting out in a relationship is essential if you want that relationship to grow on an equitable basis.  It’s rare for a couple to have the same interests and think each other are wonderful in words and actions.  In fact, as a relationship progresses from the initial infatuation phase to something more serious.  What you once tolerated in your partner might now get on your nerves.  To compromise in a relationship actually means you are willing to control your dislike/negative opinion for the sake of the relationship.
  8. Shared resources:  The financial aspects of a relationship especially a marriage can be a minefield.  It can bring on envy, jealousy, and resentment when  someone in the relationship is not contributing fairly to the household budget.  When I have researched successful marriages, some of which were 50 years spent together, pooling salaries was considered an acknowledgement of a trusting, caring relationship. where there are no secrets or perceived advantage financially of one partner over the other.  If only one partner is the earner the other should also make a equal contribution in some practical way to the relationship that helps it to function well.

You might consciously try to change some bad habits you have, or ‘put up’ with those annoying bad habits of your partner.  Most people think they will be able to change their partner’s habits as the relationship progresses.  Some compromise can be easier to accept, like taste in clothes, music and recreational interests.

Getting to know your partner well in the initial stages of a relationship and re-evaluating your feelings and ambitions about the relationship when the ‘honeymoon’ phases passes could save you a lot of heartache in the future.  This honeymoon phase, where both of you are on a ‘high’ about each other will, of course, vary between you.  For some it could be weeks or up to a year.  But you should make the effort through good and stressful times to discover the true character of your partner.

Use your head as well as emotions when deciding on a long-term relationship.  Is your gut feeling raising alarm bells, but you are dismissing them because you hope, believe, think, or even pray that everything will work out fine.

In Conclusion:

There can never be any guarantees when it comes to marriage/relationships, there are just too many factors that can impact even the best relationships.  But you can try and reduce the possibility of failure by always being aware of your partner.  Don’t become complacent and always talk to each other about anything, but don’t forget to talk and listen.  You just might discover the secret to having a great relationship!

You can get another perspective on building relationships by clicking here

 

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How A Winery, Dogs and Horses, Help Define My Wonderful Relationship!

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0008701678E 565x8492 150x150 How A Winery, Dogs and Horses, Help Define My Wonderful Relationship!In this post I’d like to share some seemingly trivial points that have a very positive effect on my marriage.  Almost 2 months ago my wife and I flew off to Southern California for our vacation.  It just happened to be our first holiday together without our grown up kids for almost 20 years!  It turned out to be a great success.  We really enjoyed our 3 weeks together.

For some couples this can also turn out to be a very stressful experience.  Where problems can start even at the planning stage – Is it going to be a beach centered holiday or activity-based?  Is it centered around you or your partner’s interests, or is your point of view dismissed without discussion?  Luckily for us everything about my marriage, our relationship is based on consensus.  No one partner aims for dominance.  We agree on things through measured discussion. I guess all that sounds a bit pompous, but what I’m saying is we do get on very well.

Winery, Dogs, and Horses.

I usually plan most of the itinerary, as I have the time to research and I like to do it.  We haven’t been married for so long without either of us being mindful of each others likes/dislikes.  For example, I enjoy drinking wine, my wife, not so much, but visiting a few wineries on this holiday was something I was really keen to do.  I had originally come up with a list of 6 wineries, but being conscious of my wife’s feelings, I thought she would be incredibly bored by the third winery visit, so I chopped the list down to 3 wineries.  After some Google searches, I decided that the wineries I eventually picked should have a nice, landscaped, picnic area, with great views where we could relax and take in the atmosphere.

As I was the driver it was easy to cut out wine tasting sessions, where I could talk endlessly about grape varieties.  Instead, I just bought a couple of bottles to try back at the hotel.

One winery turned out to be a great choice as the owners also kept dogs and horses, both loved by my wife, so we both really enjoyed our visit there.

As well as bottles of wine, I also bought some souvenirs, including a Davy Crockett coonskin (not real skin) bottle topper!  Heading back, I was happy to have visited some very nice wineries.  My wife also enjoyed the experience because, in being ‘aware’ of her feeling (likes and dislikes), I had tailored the winery visits to include experiences I not only knew she would enjoy, but we would also enjoy together and that made for a memorable day.

I had learned, many years ago, to make an effort not to be selfish in my words and actions, I admit I had been thoughtless at times, thinking about only my interests.  I can’t figure out why I was so inconsiderate.  It took many years and failed relationships before I took a good, hard look at myself.  I was shocked by my insensitivity.

Defining a relationship

1, Relationships shouldn’t be hard work, a chore, misery for either or both partners.  Relationships can work very well when each partner thinks about the other’s feelings.

2, Show respect for each other as individuals and to acknowledge each other’s hopes, dreams and aspirations.

3, What does effect all relationships is the stresses and strains of life, families, financial worries, etc.  As well as the unforeseen blips that throw a curve ball through a relationship.  In a strong relationship problems are discussed and hopefully solutions drawn up.  When there is understanding and respect there is:

  • less arguing/bickering between you
  • a problem shared is so much easier to deal with, cutting down on personal strain
  • if everything else is falling apart around you, you know you can rely on each other for mutual support

In Conclusion

Many of us spend a lot of time and energy in the early stages of a new relationship and then undo all that effort when a commitment (marriage/exclusive relationship) is made.

It’s never too late in a relationship to make a real difference that has a positive, beneficial impact on either partner.  When did you last really look at your relationship and your partner?  How solid is your relationship?  Are you happy?  Is your partner happy?  Do you care?

Do you just put up with an unhappy or destructive relationship because you can’t see a way to change anything?

Share your thoughts here.

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A Quick Post, An Apology, Explanation, And A Promise!

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I have not posted on my blog for a while, really shouldn’t  have  let it slip, but I’m back and eager to continue bringing you helpful informative posts and much more.

Together with my wife and business partner Diane, we have been busy with our dating/relationships project, and even found time for a vacation together!

We have been involved in writing articles, reports and building a new website coaching course. We are very excited about all the things we have coming together over the next  few months.

What we can promise you is that our core aim is to give you helpful advice, viewpoints, and opinions that hopefully will have a positive impact on you!

Treasure your partner, family, and friends, stay healthy, and love life.

 

 

 

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Men, How To Gain Confidence When Dating Women

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9526126 s11 150x150 Men, How To Gain Confidence When Dating WomenA lack of confidence around women is just not associated with adolescent males, many men returning to the dating scene after a separation or divorce, no matter what their age or experience suffer from it.

The definition of confidence is a belief in one’s abilities, a self-confidence that is projected to others even if they are total strangers.  So whatever age you are, how to gain confidence when meeting women starts by changing your mentality.  Women can sense negativity and self-doubt instantly.  Do you hold negative self-beliefs such as considering yourself as unattractive (ugly) or someone women would find dull and uninteresting?  Now it’s highly doubtful that a woman has told you such things, so that perception comes from you.  Maybe your lack of confidence can be traced all the way back to your childhood.  Our childhood experiences leave a footprint on our psyche (mind) that can, for good or bad, affect us all our lives.  If you can recognize where your perceived fear comes from, run through that memory in your mind and then visualize putting it into a file or box and then try shrinking it into something that is small and insignificant. I have experimented with a similar exercise and found it helped reduce the negative effects that particular memory had on me.

Another exercise you should try would be to write down all your positive, personal traits you can think of.  Are you kind, honest and respectful?  Do you care about people, their feelings and opinions?  Hopefully you can come up with even a small list of good, positive personal traits you can think about and focus on, instead of possibly believing all you have are faults.

If you get beads of sweat trickling down your face with the mere thought of approaching a woman at a bar or elsewhere in public then discount completely that particular way of meeting woman, at least until you build up your confidence.

To avoid that particular fear factor it’s better to concentrate on starting with what you are comfortable with.  This could be meeting or joining in on a conversation with women at:

  • your company’s or office social event
  •  somewhere where you join in with similar interests like sports, the gym or hobby classes

The idea here is to get to know someone new in a non-confrontational atmosphere.  There are no expectations, all you want to do is find out what women share your interests and are happy and or relaxed in your company.  As you get to know them, make a point of really listening to their hopes, dreams and other points of view.  Women are naturally attracted to a man who takes the trouble to get to know them without any sexual pretentions.

My own experiences, many years ago, were always difficult for me when I went out with my male friends to meet up with women in bars.  I was awkward and self-conscious, and I’m sure women were put off by my attempts to be ‘friendly’.  The situation improved a lot when I was in social situations where I was not trying to pick up girls.  When I was being my natural self and showed genuine interest in what they were talking about, then I attracted interest in me.

If you want to meet women in bars or clubs, you might initially be more successful if you do go with a male friend who has no confidence issues.  Someone who will willingly help put you at ease in a group of women.  Take mental notes of how he starts conversations; what he talks about that holds their interest and what makes them walk away!  It’s always best not to make up a fictitious story about yourself, your job; the car you drive or how much money you have.  You just might be talking to some amazing woman you want to get to know better.  She will drop you quickly if your ‘little untruths’ get found out!

Having confidence is having no fear of rejection.  If you approach women in a relaxed environment where you feel at ease, and with no other expectations other than wanting to get to know a woman a little better, then your fear will subside.  Your confidence will improve with practice, so practice being a good listener and just watch those women sit up and take notice of you!

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