Here’s an extract of an email from ‘Alex’, who is craving for his ex, as she wants them to meet up.  Alex is also very happy in another relationship.

“My ex left me to live with another man 9 months’ ago.  She admitted cheating on me for much of our two year relationship.  I was heartbroken when I fount out.  We split up immediately and she moved in with her lover.  I found someone new a few months’ ago and she is everything I would want – loyal, loving and does everything to make me happy.  Days ago my ex got in touch saying she wants to meet and I don’t know what to do.  She has been constantly on my mind since we split.  I care a lot for my new girlfriend but my ex can still make my heart race.  She was bright and very sexy.  I hate her for what she did, but I still love her, if you can understand that.  My head is spinning- should I agree to meet her?  I’m craving to see her again, what harm would it do?”

Well, Alex’s problem is experienced by many people who have suffered a traumatic breakdown of their relationship.  No matter if they have found someone who is fantastic in everyway, they still crave their ex.

Love is truly a drug.  Reasoning and common sense doesn’t come into it.  So many victims of a broken relationship, who have been humiliated, are willing to give up their new life to be back with the one who hurt them so much.  They are, in effect, chasing an impossible dream.  ’The One’ who had that indefinable x factor but has hurt then badly enough to have destroyed their relationship verses their current partner who seems great, but doesn’t possess that certain ’something’ that is making the victim question that relationship.

I fired off a reply to Alex’s email and told him he should stop letting his heart rule his head.  No good would come of them meeting up.  Hr would be cheating on his new girl by keeping the’ meet up’ a secret or he’d have to come up with a lie to cover up meeting the ex.  He would start to turn into the kind of person his ex was.  Getting together with the ex over coffee could be the start of something he would have no control over and so risk losing someone who genuinely cares for him.

Alex’s reply: “Just needed you to confirm how stupid I’d be meeting up with my ex, thanks!”

I was recently asked a question, a friend’s long term relationship was going downhill fast, should he use reverse psychology to save it?

Reverse Psychology in relationships is the deliberate manipulation of someone who is required to act the opposite to what is suggested to them.  If you think about it we have been using reverse psychology since we were children.  ’I bet you can’t jump across that stream,I wouldn’t want to to do it.” When it was exactly what you wanted your hapless friend to do.

As parents we use reverse psychology to get our children to eat their food, or do something they do not want to do. In fact we use reverse psychology throughout our lives to manipulate people to comply with our true intentions.

My friend wanted to tell his partner that he knew he needed to change as he realized he was taking her for granted and needed to grow up as he was immature in handling their relationship.  These points were all the things he had grown to dislike about her.  He had hoped she would recognize these were her faults and so make an effort to change.

I checked out several blog comments on various sites dealing with reverse psychology in relationships and discovered many people think it is underhand, cheating, and would eventually backfire on you if the person you are attempting to ‘hoodwink’ is doing the same to you.

I told my friend not to bother with this reverse psychology stuff.  I had noted that he could see no wrong in his behaviour and attitude to the relationship.  Apparently his partner had been fine until a few months ago when she started to change, maybe she actually had a problem with him!

So a few days ago he had a heart to heart with his partner, added by a few glasses of wine, they both loosened up enough to tell each other how they were feeling.  My friend had not noticed that he had slowly withdrawn from talking and listening to his girlfriend’s concerns, and she was allowing the relationship to cool because of indifference.

The heart to heart had proved a shock to them both, as they did care about each other but both had become complacent and the relationship stale.

They are now spending a long weekend away together to refresh their relationship.  They didn’t need reverse psychology, just some common sense communication and a glass or two of wine.

I want to focus on a abusive relationship from the perspective of an abuser.  Maybe you are one, or you suspect someone you know who is.

An abuser needs to control their partner or loved ones, and abuse in a relationship happens in several ways:

Physical Abuse (abuser has anger issues) – pushing, hitting, kicking or forcing sex on an unwilling partner.

Emotional/Mental Abuse (abuser has self esteem issues) – just as terrifying for the victim as physical abuse, such as humiliation, name calling, blaming.

As an abuser you will seek to blame your partner for your problems.  You will set them up, where they will seem to have ‘wronged’ you, then feel you have justification for abuse.  After the abuse has taken place you will feel guilty or anxious about the possibility of being found out over your actions.  So you try and win them round by being nice, acting as if nothing has happened, that is until the next time.  As you will be planning how to set your partner up  so you can abuse them again.  So it becomes a self perpetuating cycle of planning, abuse, guilt, and normal behaviour.

What of the effects your abusive actions are having on your partner?  Are they so scared they dare not say a word out of place?  Do they cower when you walk into the room?   I am not just writing about men abusing women, but the opposite is also true.  But due to social stigma, you hardly ever hear of the abuse women can, and do, met out against men.

It may need your partner to leave you (and take your children, if there are any in the relationship) for you to realise that you have done wrong and have to change.  Yes, you do seem normal and a respected member of the community.  It’s when you get behind closed doors that the abuser in you shows itself.

It would need you to admit you need help, that would be a great step forward.  It would probably be a long, hard road of many months of therapy.  It’s difficult, but can be achieved.  You might regress at times, but if your partner sees you are making a real effort to stop the abuse, they might stick with you, as you try to change.  I have read several posts from ex abusers, who say it’s possible to be cured.

Your problem may stem from when you were a child.  Maybe you were abused, or regularly witnessed abuse growing up.  Therapy will help give the answers to why you act the way you do towards your partner.  It will also set you on the way to recovery.  If it’s not too late!

I usually give tips and advice that people can use to save their relationship.  This post is for those who have no wish to continue with their relationship, or that their partner has made it clear that the relationship is over for good.  If you have been physically and/or mentally abused, then getting out of that miserable relationship at the earliest opportunity is the best option for your well being.

There is a lot of advice in books and on the internet that say once you are living apart from your ex you should trash all physical memories, like photos and gifts they gave to you.  Some well meaning advice also states that you should make a list of all of your ex’s faults so that you have a constant reminder of why you wouldn’t want them back with you.

Your relationship with your ex was unique, and you should decide how the weeks and months going into your new life are dealt with.  You may want to keep some mementos of your time together.  The relationship must have been good once.  Maybe your ex split with you and you still care about them, and so want to keep some reminders of happier times.  Also, if to move on with your life you need to erase all physical memory, then that will give you some closure.

You are going to be feeling lost and unsure, and possibly frightened of what the future has in store for you.  Do whatever makes you feel better and positive about ending your old life and starting afresh.

You may want to be rid of everything that reminds you of your ex, but you will still have your memories, good and bad, for many more years.

In the days after your break up it’s an idea you immerse yourself in some activity.  Mayb you would like to do something you have enjoyed in the past, but was not possible while in the relationship.

Jumping quickly back into dating is something that maybe should be avoided at this time.  Your emotions could be all over the place and you are likely to make rash decisions.  It’s a better suggestion for you to take time out with some friends or colleagues.  You also need to consider taking some time to rationally think about what to do with your life in the short term.

There maybe home and financial considerations that are a priority.  Are there children involved?  Those are the important things that you have to sort out now.

My own experience of breaking up with my partner of several years was the worst I have ever felt.  I was, for about two weeks, a wreck, but I pulled myself together.  If you are in a similar position I really do feel for you and hope that you are able to ‘pick up the pieces’ of your life.  Maybe it was the best thing to happen to you, or you are hurt, lost and confused.  Either way, you have to move on to, hopefully, a new and invigorated life.

You may recoil at all the hoopla surrounding Valentine’s Day.  The expensive flowers and cards, or a candle lite dinner for two.  Look at all the restaurants  falling over themselves with special, pricey menus.  Never mind the many soft cuddly toys you can buy for your loved one.

Forget all that, unless you have the money.  Lets get down to basics on Valentine’s Day couples around the world make an affirmation of their love for their partner with a card, chocolates, a meal, etc.

This post is for those of you who care for your partner but have no wish to get caught up in all the hype, and emptying your wallet in the process.

In my experience you can be very effective putting your message across by making it simple.  Your partner would love you to take them out for a meal or receive an expensive present, but it’s just not important.  What does matter to your partner is that you really care for them.  You can express that sentiment by:

A, Going on your computer and locating a free electronic card service.  You will be able to choose one of several card styles available, and then decide what words you want to write on your card.  Then you can send it to your partner’s email address.

B, You can also write a message on a post it note and leave it somewhere where it will easily be found.  Saying “I love you” and leaving it on the fridge door is guaranteed to bring a smile to your partner’s face.

C, Why don’t you fix a meal for both of you, especially if that gesture is rare coming from you, it will be all the more effective, and will really be appreciated even if you burn everything to a crisp!

Valentine’s Day may be the focus of expressing your feelings for your loved one, but we also have Christmas and birthdays when we do the same thing.  Why don’t you do any of the above gestures on the spur of the moment anytime of the year.  Expressing your love, completely out of the blue, would mean so much more that your loved one would think you are after a favor, or done something wrong!

If your relationship is in trouble, then fixing it has not been a priority.  It’s tucked somewhere in between your work, rest, home life, hobbies and other stuff going on in your life.  That is also true for a diet plan, not working, or anything else not being resolved, because you are not giving it your undivided attention.  Your excuses will come thick and fast “I’ll see how the relationship works out when we go on holiday.” or “I’m too busy or too tired to do anything about it.”

Now just say I offered you that holiday with £5,000 spending money, free, if you would sort your relationship out!  Heck, I will throw in a new car as well!  Wouldn’t that fantastic offer concentrate your mind on sorting out your problem relationship?  I’ve given you six weeks to sort it out before you jet off to Hawaii.

What would you do in that time to fix your troubled relationship?  Why, you would be totally focussed on the task in hand, taking positive steps in reaching your goal, communicating, listening to your partner’s concerns, etc.

I am a much happier person when I am content in my relationship.  Sure, there’s other stuff that bugs me a lot, but my relationship is my bedrock.  All the other nasty things life throws at me, is shared with my partner.  Together we moan about the bills, the government, and lack of money.

Now that you have decided to prioritize your relationship problems, you need to set your goal – You, of course, want to be happy and content in your relationship with your partner.  Try this simple four point F.A.T.E. template:

F:  Focus – Prioritize the problem you want to resolve and make it your mission in life to reach your goal.

A:  Achievable – You need to be sure that it is your core belief.  It’s what you want or everything else you need to do will get bogged down by indifference.

T:  Time – You should have a time scale to work to.  This should motivate you to work on achieving your desired result.

E:  Execute – Take action to do what’s needed to fix your relationship.

So much can be achieved by prioritizing your troubled relationship, but only when you recognize it’s importance to you and how much you want it.

Writing this post has made me think about my life, the successes and failures.  I regret some of the actions I took and decisions made.  Not one of them have anything to do with work or career, but everything to do with relationships, love and being part of someone’s life.

Friends recently told me that they were at a loss understanding why their late teens children had taken to smoking and drinking.  Although my friends drank a little, they had been non smokers all their lives and had discouraged the children, from an early age, not to smoke.

Many parents are shocked about the antics of their children, who get involved in shop lifting, drugs, vandalism, etc.  As parents, where did we go wrong, they ask?  Well, for a start, those parents actually care about how their offspring turn out.  They become guilt ridden, did they fail in providing moral guidance and discipline to their children?  Then there is the other type of parent who shows little interest in how their children grow up. They appear to have low morals and so themselves are very poor role models.  Unfortunately, their children are influenced by their own behaviour from an early age and they often turn out just like their parents.  Their future prospect is bleak for integrating into mainstream society.

As good parents you try to bring up your children to be like you, with your morals and the way you perceive the world.  If they fall below your ideal you end up disappointed and so feel you have failed in some way.  Just where did you go wrong?  My friends noticed their two teenage children slowly drifting away from the close ties they previously enjoyed.  The children had began to spend the majority of their free time in their bedrooms, listening to music or engrossed in their computers or mobile phones.  Conversation with their parents was almost non existent.  Later they started going out a lot, mixing with friends and meeting new people. The peer pressure they experienced, and encouraged to try new things, coincided with the time they took up smoking, alcohol and staying out until the early hours.

Their attitude towards their parents changed too, they had all the answers, and their parents just could not understand them!  They started answering back to their parents, this in turn made home life stressful.

Many teenagers take recreational drugs like esctacy.  Also, in the UK, many towns and cities experience late night problems with young people drinking to excess, causing property damage and violence.

What Can You Do?  Well it may be difficult, but you could try to understand your growing teens, and what they are going through.  They may have many gadgets to keep them interested like Ipods, cellphones, computer games and social network sites.  But they can still suffer from mood swings, depression and boredom.  You have likely figured out that shouting and screaming at them may have had an effect when they were younger, but not now.

Try Listening:  Many parents just don’t make an effort to listen to their children, their hopes and fears.  Do not dismiss them too readily, they may want you to help.

That’s where, as parents, you can still make a difference.  Your children may act like they know everything and don’t need you.  But there will be times they will want your help and advice.  They know you love them and it will always be so.

My teenage years were a great time, especially the years seventeen to nineteen, with music, girls and earning my own money.

My bedroom was my place to sleep and hang out, filled with rock band posters, guitars and record player, I spent most of my time there.  I guess it was my first move asserting my new independence from my parents.  During those years I was never much trouble to them.

Does your experience of your teenage children differ to my parents?  Have your children become problem teenagers?  Maybe they’ve started to distance themselves from the rest of the family, are argumentative or rebellious.  In their attempt to assert their independence have they taken to spending much of their time with others you consider are a bad influence.

Have they been involved with alcohol or drugs?  You desperately want to know what they are up to but you are told it’s “None of your business”.  For some parents their problem teens are bringing about a breakdown of the family unit by their actions ,and so causing stress for everyone involved with a sense of helplessness.  There are parents that try to keep their children’s problems a secret from family and friends, possibly fearing it’s proof they have failed as parents and so have no wish to bring shame on the family if others found out.

Do your problem teenagers think they know better than you that you do not understand, that they possibly even resent you!  They could be affected by hormonal changes, teen depression, drugs and alcohol abuse or peer pressure to try new experiences.

You can begin to take control of the situation.  Equip yourself with knowledge of what could be troubling them, or the steps needed to stop them doing something you think is harming them.  I have included links to several websites that offer services.  Some are American and include ‘Boot camp’ type establishments, where the problem teenagers are made to follow a strict regime.  To learn to look after themselves and interact with other troubled teens.  This may seem an expensive and extreme action to take.  But there is also much helpful advice and information from anger issues to teen suicides.

If your problem teenager has lost their way, help them to help themselves and take steps to get them back.  Don’t feel you are on your own, there is help out there, not just for your teen, but your family too.

www.teenissues.co.uk

www.troubledteensguide.com

www.troubledteen101.com

www.familyfirstaid.org

I’ve been there and bought the t shirt!  Years ago I couldn’t commit to a relationship until I was absolutely sure it was what I wanted.  Back in those days, going into a committed relationship could also mean getting engaged, marriage and children.  The thought of babies scared me to death.  Many men find it difficult committing themselves to a relationship because of the responsibility involved in having to be faithful to one person.  This, they say they would do, sometime in the future, after they have sown their ‘wild oats’.  Commitment also means sacrificing their freedom.  Some had been in relationships where they had made an effort in committing with their partner, but were then ‘dumped’, and so are wary of commitment again.

These days, couples tend to marry in their late twenties rather than late teens, or early twenties of thirty years ago.

There is hardly any social pressure to get married today.  Sex on demand used to be a big motivator, whereas in these enlightened times, sex is expected when couples begin dating.

There are steps you can take to convince your partner that they should consider committing to you.

Take Commitment Out Of The Equation

If you are alienating your partner by bringing up the subject, then stop.  Instead, concentrate on building the relationship, be genuine.  Most of us tend to fabricate a certain persona to impress the person we are attracted to.  This tactic backfires on us once we revert to our real personalities when we enter into a commitment.  So try and be your natural self, your partner will appreciate your honesty.

What Is Their Fear?

Find out what scares them about committing to a relationship.  Work on removing those concerns.  You could reassure them that commitment does not mean being handcuffed, as long as they behave responsibly, they will still enjoy their own ’space’ within a relationship.

Show You Are Committed

Show interest in their life and what they enjoy, or are passionate about.  For example, you don’t have to take up watching football on TV, or going to a football match.  You may be totally bored by it, but by showing respect for your partner’s interests and hobbies promotes the idea that you care, a definite plus!

If you are sure you want to commit to this person, then take small, positive steps to reach the ultimate goal of making it an easy decision for them to commit to you.

There is a growing trend in couples calling ‘time’ on their relationships.  I was shocked to read recently that couples are breaking up after 20 or 30 years of being together!  One major reason is alcohol abuse.  I know what I am talking about, as I have personal experience of the trauma experienced by the whole family because one member did not seek to stop alcohol abuse.

Could you be the reason a relationship has broken down or is in serious trouble because your alcohol abuse has badly affected your loved ones by your actions?

It’s possible you are blaming everyone and everything for the dire state of your relationship.  Alcoholics don’t tend to accept that they are the problem.

It’s usual that the other partner or family member is covering up what you are doing to yourself, to the outside world.  If they have not challenged you to stop alcohol abuse or dependancy, then you have to take steps to break this destructive habit.

While in a sober state and clear headed, think about what you are doing.  Acknowledge that you have an alcohol dependancy that is destroying your health and relationships.  That your partner and/or family members are being scarred by your actions, and that you are willing to change.

It’s possible you won’t be able to stop alcohol abuse immediately, even if you wanted to.  You should seek professional help.  Check out ‘Alcohol abuse/dependency’ on the internet.  There are many sites that provide good quality information, where you will learn more about your problem and its effects on others.

Visit your GP and they will inform you what help is available to you.  Make an appointment with AA or other similar organisation or group.  You will find relevant information in local newspapers, yellow pages or the internet.  Talk over your problems with a trusted friend or family member.  Someone who is nonjudgemental and a good listener.

The important point is that you can be cured, but only if you come to terms with the fact that you have a problem and want to stop.  It will be a long, difficult journey but you won’t be alone.  Hopefully, your partner and family are still there to help and support you.